betterthanispeak

2009-04-13T21:52:00.003-06:00

Hmmm.....

So I am finishing university and oddly enough, I seem to have circled right back round to the Your feet my Lord.

I have tried for long enough now to try to walk on my own. I have lost my discipline. My willpower. My direction. All because I have been running head straight into everything-I have been running, running and I can't find peace. I remember the kind of joy you can bring, the sweet taste of honey and the bright rays of the sun. I am searching for that now.

I need grace.

We all need a little grace sometimes don't ya think?

Our world is turning into a scary place. Whole societies just running, running and they have just run right away from any conception of God. Where has this lead? How are we living out our lives? What gods are we serving? We have replaced the idea of a maker, a creator, a heavens with what? Money? Food? Alcohol? Sex?

There is nothing here that makes me fall to my knees, but there was something that used to. I used to dance and praise the Lord, fall on my face and cry, leap, shake, shiver and sing for my Lord. Now, I just run from everything....

There is One who can heal me and I know that. There is only One who can walk beside me and love me and promise never to leave me. I know this too.

Who knew it would take four years of schooling to learn what I knew all along.

I think my faith has been through the fire. I hope that now, it can shine brightly like the sun...

Yours,

Melissa.

2007-09-12T09:56:00.000-06:00

hello everyone!

I know i am a disapointment already in terms of the writing thing, but i will try to do better! The days seem soo long here, but i generally can only get one or two things done in a day, outside of school and being home for dinner, and then going out! lol

School has started and as dan said last year, it is nice to finally have some routine. Right now we are going twi classes, ghanian history and african history. Its easy so far, since most of it is just review (thank you tim stapleton). The teachers are really great! especially our twi teacher kofi, who is always shoutin, praise the lord! hallaluha! when we say stuff right!

Being in Ghana is fanastic, though i did have my first cry the other day. I guess i didnt realize how i was adjusting. You have to pay attention to how you are feeling or else it will just well up on you and expode! Someone said a comment to me, which at home would have been rude, and i just lost it. I went to school and my friend kwaku, explained what it mean here, i just started balling. its was soo embarassing. i couldnt stop. lol. but it was just kind of a outpour and then i felt much better. No problems since.

Its definately hard making friends here, althought i have made quite a few. because we are soo high alert about safety etc etc, we are often too suspicious of people we meet and it kills the mood. Same with boys here. I get hit on, all day, everyday, but you know that most of them arent serious, they just think misconceptions about you, like you can get them to canada, or you have money. Although, i have met one friend who is a boy, and he is a very nice gentlemen. lol keep you posted on that one.

Despite, the constant male attention, ghanians are the friendliest people i have ever met. They are always helping me out when i am lost, getting me home safe, and even sharing their meals off their plate with me. They say "you are invited" and then you can just dig in with them!

The food is awesome! Its spicy and there arent many veggies which is sweet! Everyday is soo exciting becuase we are always finding cool local chop bars and little markets to eat it, its always an adventure.

so is driving....

tro tros are awesome, its like 20 cents for a long trip, but you are cramped in this old VW camper bus type thing, and its soo hot, but its cheap and i find them exciting. LAst night, our taxi driver had his lights fail while we were driving home, but because we were all girls and it was late, he wanted to make sure we got home safe! Try driving in poor street lights with no lights on a car! now thats an adventure! Sure i could have told him to stop, but meh, i trust he didnt want to die, so we probably wouldnt have lol. Then when we got out, there was a flash rain fall, and we all got soaked. excellent night. lol

Last night, we had a nice dinnner at the chalets, with ghanian drummers and dances. I got told i dance like a ghanaian, plus i was wearing a ghanaian dress... it was a compliment for me!

Its sweet, cause i often get better prices then the other oboruni (white people) becuase i am mixed. When i tell people my dad is jamaican, they say, oh my sister, you are of my blood! I have even gotten a welcome home! hahahaha

I love it here guys! Really, i dont have much time left, but i will try to write a follow up soon!

Love you all!

Peace!

2007-09-01T00:59:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone!!

Greetings from Holland! Thats right, i know stand absolutely corrected. I love Amsterdam and i even admit a certain fondness for the Dutch. So after almost missing my flight (i had about 5 minutes before they stopped checking bags for our flight) i finally caught up to Matt and checked in super fast. The flight here was good. Matt and i were laughing the whole time, thinking how crazy it was to be leaving everyone behind, and to finally be living the dream! lol. Sydney met us at the Shipnol airport and we got lost in the Dam with our heavy packs and bags. That was quite the trip. Felt a bit like a pack horse personally!

We got to our hostel, named the flying pig, and it is sweet. They provided us with a great breakfast and then headed to a coffeeshop downtown. We bought a bunch of ganja and had our first sesh at Rookies, a little pot bar. We ventured around a bit, but it was definatel 4 in the morning ONtario time and we were totally beat. I couldnt sleep on the plane for the life of me, so i was exhusted. Unfortunately, we slept from 1:30-6:00, a well needed nap. Then we got back up and there is a sweet bar at the bottom of our hostel. The beir in Amsterdam is delicious. The dutch do know how to do a beer! Syd's cousins and Syd came at about 9:30 and we hit the town. Off to another coffeeshop were we all hung out togethere and then to a wonderful little jazz club. The music was amazing and i was totally stoked the appreciation of jazz. Amsterdam is an absolutely breathtaking city. All f the apartments have large, european windows, with no screens and that let tons of sunlight in. The weather is not to hot, which is nice since Africa is coming now.

Funny thing, nationality is huge here. The dutch are like the proudest people in the world! Last night, Lawrence was fighting with an Irish man, and told him he was Irish so he had a low IQ. THe other guy was ready to fight him for it. It was nuts. Also, all the Euros, think we are just Americans flipped around. That takes some explaining that's for sure.

We also so the red light district last night. It was more disturbing then i thought it would be. Certainly a necessary evil, because with it standardized like this people are protected from disease and are kept safe by security as opposed to the informal sex trade all over the world. Still, it was hard to try to comprehend how most of those women in the windows were feeling. I couldnt imagine really.

Anyway, Matt and i are gonna get up early, get some breakfast and get shuttled to Shipnol. We are gonnna have some brownies this morning and chill and then catch our plane.

I probably wont be able to write for a few days now, but just keep checkin if you arre interested.

Love you all,

Melissa Sharon

2007-05-17T10:19:00.000-06:00

whew. spent the morning looking at existenialism and nietchze. An existenialist seeks to find meaning soley by embracing existence. Their decisions are based on what meaning means to them... It's realizing that we are free. That is difficult to accept. We have free will of our own persons and our decisions are truly are our own. Now, we can choose to let others influence those thoughts-or not. Nietzche would call that the slave mentality, but for some, the collective is where really strength lies. Morality is a strange tool. Its okay if everyone blindly accepts its need, which is not a bad thing at all. But let's say you question the group mentality. Really, you are free to do so, and to act on your own truth.

There is no objective way to prove the truth of Christianity. The father of existenialism, Soren_Kierkegaard, was a Christian, but he called it a leap of faith, which i think is beautiful. You cannot prove it, then you can take your free will and decide to commit it to that, or you, can not. Thats your choice as well.

Some relinquish their personal freedom to "others". Some make themselves an object for others, to "look at" and influence. But then, we base our idenities on the collective. On the other and what they think of us, when really, in reality, in existence, we are beings in and of ourselves. It should matter to me more what i think of myself than what others do, because in alot of ways others are irrelvent. Maybe they dont even exist. How do i trust you arent just a figment of my imagination that i create around my for my own personal enjoyment lol. Well now i am streching it, but the original point stands.

kierkegaard said that for one to have faith in God, he must doubt that he exists. The doubt is the rational part without which faith would have no substance. I think its really important, especially with something as subjective as faith, especially if you are advocating that faith as the truth, to have questioned things and to know why you believe them. How else do you know if they are truth. Blind faith is fine, but a studied, deep and developed faith, one that has been tested through fire and turned into the brightest gold, is, to me, a far firmer foundation.

Of course your own truth is subjective and of course subjectivity to you, is truth. It is your truth. It is what rings true to you. And you can decide, if what you think is bad for you, is bad, or what is good for you, constiutes goodness. Morality can be based upon the rational conciousness of what is harmful to me, is harmful in itself. Of course, its selfish, but what else do i know is real, other than the Self. Me. My Body. My mind. My thoughts.

i am only gonna be on this earth once, provided that reincarnation isnt in fact true. while i am here i need to enjoy my experience here whatever way i decide to live my life. I only get one. So if my heart isnt settled on something, i might not do it. There are certain things i enjoy that i will do. Maybe there is a heaven. I dont think there is a hell. but if there is a heaven i would assume that living a life dedicated to the poor and those suffering under injustice would be good enough. If not, as Stef says, i would look up at whatever God exists and say, "you know what, i thought better of you." But i doubt that will happen that way anyway.

The point is.....maybe there isnt one.

Em

2007-04-22T02:02:00.000-06:00

last night in peterborough, last night with my wonderful terriorsome trio-paul, luke and dave. they made my last night incredible. Wow. i am overwhelm by how i feel at the very end of this year.

here is what i have learned,

i'm sick of people treating singleness like is pales in comparison to marriage. i dont think it does. they are both pretty sweet choices. its really up to you.

dave got caught on quaker, almost last night. but the urge to climb again is even higher now lol

some friends love you in a way that is tough to handle sometimes, but so constructive.

i want to live my idea of beautiful, truful life.

i am happy.

i love every single day right now. honestly i do. i couldnt have asked for better.

you should never feel bad for having been in love. its not a bad thing.

i am both beautiful and interesting.

hahahah what a night though, really. i think i met a ton of rad people, sadly on my last night and now i must leave them.

one in particular. but we are biking tommorow before i leave.

honestly, i am terrified to go back to uxbridge....

cause i've never quite been the girl they want to see.

anyway, point of the story is my trio of garcons are the most wonderful, and they are the only hope i ahve left in the male gender hahaa.

glorious evening. she rambles on....

2007-04-15T11:11:00.000-06:00

oh its nice to see you, but this grown up facade make you blurry and i cant see straight. oh, i remeber you, the boy i knew, those light up shoes, velcro, you trace through my brain.
i'm that girl next door. Laying out on my front lawn, a spice girls song singing my blues away, hey, lets get away, would you join me to use up this day.

I can see us, turning hills into mountians and i am your queen, as i climb, bravely. There's volcanic streams all around JUMP! i cant lose you this way. Hey! I've got an idea, yes, promise me, this how we will stay, we'll grow old just like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let anyone get you down...
we've conquered the hardest terrain, we've played hail or rain, would you join me to us up this day, say, this is beauty right here, and no matter what, lets stay this way.

Now you're pretty cool. and i wake up at 5 just to put on my face, get my nappy hair staight--cause no boys gonna want you with grass stains and hair in your face, we say hey, when we pass through these halls, theres a secret smile there on your face, no we cant really play now, but i, remeber those days.

and i can see us, turning hills in to mountains and i am your queen as i climb, bravely, there's volcanic streams all around JUMP i cant lose you this way, Hey, i've got anidea, promise me this is how we will stay, we'll grow old like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let any one get you down...
we've conquer the hardest terrian, we've played hailing or rain, would you joinme to use up this day. Say. this is beauty right here, and now matter what, lets stay this way..

In our university town, havent been outside for days and i cant put food in my mouth---cause i've never quite been the girl they want to see, and i see you round town. With your baseball cap checkin out girls as they pass---and tahts all they are something to pass through..
i'm no longer secure, you're screaming at me, where's that tree climbing dame, but you just the same--crushed by the weight of it all, i've got bills to pay, dates to make, makup and hair, oh and excersie, please dont be mad, just be glad that well get through this day...

i remeber when days use to linger and stay...

and i can see us, turning hills into mountains and i am your queen as i climb, bravely, there's volcanic streams all around, JUMP! i wont lose you this way.
Hey! i've got an idea, promise me this is how we will stay, we'll grow old just like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let them get you down...

cause we've conquered the hardest terrain, we've played hailing or rain, would you join me to use up this day, say, this is beauty right here, and no matter what lets stay this way....

oh its nice to see you...but thsis grown up facade makes you blurry and i cant see stright, wait , i remeber you the boy i knew, light up shoes and volcro you trace through my brain. and i was that girl, laying out on her lawn, a spice girls song singing my blues away, hey, lets get away, would you join me to use up this day...

em.

2007-03-31T01:56:00.000-06:00

Onwards soldiers, sneaky theives, upwards to the top of the quaker oats factory!

The highest point in all of ptbo.

Today the greek festival sent the campus asoar, with music from the finest friends, dancing before the colissium, beer and sunshine, drums and js. then off to ghana orientations-so much to learn. so much to re-form, re-think, unlearn, connect with and bloom.

More music. David's voice often sounds like a weary wind which whips around you like a clear night-its clear and pure and everyone is always silent.

the show is over. We are hitting the town! seein friends, more music, only choclate chip cookies, beer and more dancing.....can this day get any better? I have been the first girl to dance in a crowd of hundreds today, i have made new friends and even led, its been so long since i have led something...i remeber what it was like to have those goals.

but it did get better.again, i have the most incredible guy friends in the world.

paul-the 'sexy' brain. he is one of those thinkers who will one day blow us all away, he is a great mind, an incredible dancer and so kind.

David-the nomad morning song. So creative. so open. so encourging and tender. such a postive force. and my partner in crime almost everyday! Who could ask for a better someone to do everything from nothing-to...break and enter?

matt. w- the kindred spirt. the craziest dancer in the world. Dan you are a rockin dancer, but you have to see this kid! he is so smart and gets so excited with me about everything. we are both dorky, watch spice world, have magic adventures and follow eachother around. We are going to ghana.

Matt palmer- this boy is restoring so much that is splintered in me, especially my struggles with beauty, body and boys lol. Drove me to lakefield when i was sad. Yells at me when i am hating on myself too much. Splendid.

Calder- the poet. i dont see him as much anymore. we hung out everyday first semsester. He came up with the name em. he throws rocks at my window when he wants to go out and wreak havoc and subvert the adult establishment. he has a beautiful soul and encourages the same in me.

that all being said.this was my night...we drive to the gates at te quaker oats factory, just to see what we are dealing with, get a good sense of how high, where the ladders are etc etc.This building is insanley tall. and there is a bright shining, watertower type thing on the very top. I dont know height estimates but you can see the top of everything in peterborough from there.we go and park the car in the bushes. Luke, a newer friend, brought about the short skirt girls in heels. we are terrified she is going to fall to her death. but she is one of those girls i always tend to think are incabable of doing anything rad like this, anything more then batting eyelashes and giggling. so wrong, turns out.

quaker has an electric fence all around it. and two secutriy guards at both enterences. We had to seek along the fence into a tree filled, branchy area. we had to slide down a steep steep hill to the rivers edge, creep along the river, run back up the hill, and literally hold our bodies to the fences, to keep from falling down the next hill. We are close now. there is a part where the fences lower. by the way, the boys at this adventure are david, paul, luke, and april, the high heeled 'hottie' lol.

So we get to the lower part of the fence, quick hit the dirt. lay down. dont breathe. there is a security guard doing his rounds, appears there is more the two. we wait. silent. if he comes to the fence he will see 5 people huddled in the dirt, trying not to creek.he doesnt come near. he round the corner, now is the time, jump the little fence and run RUN RUN. heeled girl is rocking the running in heels. i'm impressed thats for sure. We look up. the ladder has to be pulled down like one of those fire escapes, at first it wont budge, the guys are gonna lift us. Yeah fuckin right. I hate my body enough sometimes. not confident enough for that. david gets it down. we've got to hurry. this climb is literally STRAIGHT UP, link after link, then a little ledge that leads to more links. high. dont look down. 10 feet, 20, feet 30, 40 ,50, 60 i dont know at least seven or eight of these little balconies. So scared of being caught. so terrified. I have asked to give up a lot of times but paul wont let me quit and david just keeps looking at me and reminding me to trust him.we climb up. we are the roof 8-9 stories up. we can see the top of peterborough from here, but we arent done. no way. and whats that, that doors totally unlocked. I guess so, i mean who climbs like 8o feet up. more straight up ladders. about 3 or 4 more. WE ARE LITERALLY ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD!! lol. serisouly though, its like 2am and i can see ALL of peterborough. i am above it all. the activity. the quiet eveings in front of the tv. the drunk dionysis kids. it smells like oatmeal. i love quaker brown sugar cinninon and i am standing on the very top of where its made. one more step, about a nothing ten foot climb to the peak. dave and paul go. its white with a bright light and 5 people you could definately see from the gound.

HEELED GIRL CLIMBED THE ENTIRE 100 FEET IN HEELS. UP A LADDER THAT A SUPERWOMAN. I HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOU FELLOW FEMMe FATAL. I TAKE ALL MY SNAP JUDGMENTS BACK. YOU ROCK!

but we arent done. now the boys arent satisifed and paul and dave want to show me it all. we break in. the door was open to be fair. the door 100 feet up. we are inside. this part of the builing looks well over a hundred years old. it is covered in dust and dirt and there are huge, clunking and whirling industrial machines. Every floor is soo loud. so old. so dirty. old fire escapes and storage rooms. its all cement. all well lit. we go down stairs flight after stair flight. we are lost for a bit. we are on the bottom floor. the modern stuff. there is packaged oatmeal everywhere, mixers and mashers. loud. no cameras. i dont get it lol.we after about 2.5 hours since this began, finally find the way out. cameras! we are in front of cameras. stay close to the wall, slide right down behind the trucks. we are soo close to the fence....we just have to run....

.......security guard. all 5 of us. right in front of his eyes.... we just.... keep walking...he just lets us walk on out.there is another one in the both, we walk righy by!but in case they maybe still called the police. we split up, its 3:30 in the morning dave and i want fries. he gets a poutine. they were closed by they served us. perfect ending.

we meet with everyone, and paul and i talk about the social constructions of sexual relationships and the repressions of such, and about how you dont have to be 'girly' to be a girl. though the girly girl, gets all my repect tonight.This is the most incredible day of my life. this was the most terrifying thing i have ever done and i accomplished it with my best firends at my side.wow.Life is amazing.

Em.

2007-03-28T22:46:00.000-06:00

hmmm....

i really appreciate the ear my friend. and the mouth for talking.

good talks are pricless, talks where you are simply being yourself. tonight i found that this occurs best with me when i am tired, stressed..when i have nothing left to offer you then my sleepy, stumbly, whispery-self.

When i have the energy i can mask the insecurities, the akwardness i am feeling. i can sit in certain ways, which i preconcive before each slight of movement. i can look you in the eye with strength and power and determination, to prove to you that i am fine, that all is well and that i am the most interesting person you have ever met.

when i am exhuasted. i am just. just. I am resting in you, the strength of a friend who cares, who adores the weakness of the one before you, who sees the beauty in it.

I think we all have identies which we construct, to be safe in periferial visions and intimidating situations, and even, in hopes to make those around us feel content, to have us figured out and that is all.

i have never believed so much that the only constant i know is change. and i even hate using the word change becuase it seems to imply such a huge revolution of self, of stance, of standing. I am not sure how much i have changed, but rather i think i have grown alot.

I am constantly being challenged to be more and more content with 'the now' this moment, and second. Not lying dormantly in waiting for the future, when things will be better, when i have everything figured out. but also, not dwelling on the past, when things were different, when i was solid or when i was ashamed.

I am soo sad to be leacing ptbo, because many have watched my blooming this year and it has simply been organic, natural, peaceful. but i will be glad to be home to see where these dusty trails have taken my loves, my friends, my companions.

Goodnight dear pals and do your best to live today.

really. however you believe in living it.

2007-03-19T22:13:00.000-06:00

Footnote to Howl....

allen ginsberg

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
The nose is holy! the tongue and cock and
hand and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an
angel!
The bum as holy as the seraphim! the madman is
holy as you my soul are holy!
The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is
holy the hearers are holy the ectasy is holy!
Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy
Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs Holy Cas-
sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering
beggars holy the hideous human angels!
Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks
of the grandfathers of Kansas!
Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop
apocalypse! Holy the jazzband marijuana
hipsters peace & junk & drums!
Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy
the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the
mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!
Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the
middle class! Holy the crazy sheperds of rebell-
ion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles.
Holy New York Holy San Fransico Holy Peoria &
Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow
Holy Istanbul!
Holy time in eternity eternity in time holy the
clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy
the fifth International holy the angel of Moloch!
Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the
locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucina-
tions holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the
abyss!
Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours!
bodies! suffering! magnanimity!
Holy the supernatural extra brillant intelligent
kindness of the soul!

Allen Ginsberd, Berkley 1955

2007-03-18T17:06:00.000-06:00

also, to clarify,

when i said to those of you who dont get it, i cant care. i dont mean that to say, i dont want people to talk with me and dialouge with me, or try to reason with me, any of that. Please, i encourage that. i am wrestling with alot and having people to talk to is great.

i just meant i guess, that this is real to me and i hope that people approach it as that.

Melis

2007-03-18T16:59:00.000-06:00

"they all want you to serve them, but the only one you've got to serve is your soul...you've got to serve your soul..."

this is all i got for you, this is all i got.

Melissa

2007-03-13T20:46:00.000-06:00

my stand on God...hmmm.. too complicated of a question i think. I have seen Jesus at work, so i will never doubt him. I think the way he wants us to live life is the true way to live it. so i will try. I think he was God, so i believe in Him, because i certainly cant lose hope in there being more then this world....

but am i a christian, currently i would say no. This has been brewing for the last year and a half for sure. Its not something no. i dont know if i believe in the religion, the things it says, or at least i know i disagree with more then i agree with.

so for right now, i am staying in prayer with Christ, staying open to his guidence and waiting to see where i am led.

This is to clarify for those who will get it. If you dont get it, i love you, but i cant care. I am leading my own life of faith, whatever that turns out to mean.

I love you all, and appreciate your constant love and support.

maybe we just have to wait it out, we'll see

Melis

2007-03-12T20:02:00.000-06:00

i am gonna try to start writing every monday, it will be my own personal journalistic adventure, and for those of you who read it, an expose on all the silly, serious and just plain stupendous, things i do all week haha

So this monday,

i have been speaking to one of the most fantastic girls i know, after reading a particularily intrgiuing article in O magazine (i was at work haha) and apparently, there are only 7 percent of ALL WOMEN IN NORTH AMERICA who have never found something wrong with themselves they want to change, body, attitude, weaknesses. Apparently, when asked, women said it was just natural for every woman to feel inadeqaute, like she is not enough, and to compare herself and compete with others, like in a giant beauty competition. This relates to said girl, becuase she, like i many days, does not believe in her own beauty and strength. I, taking a page from fanon, believe that as young girls, if a girl is told she is beautiful, always, she will grow up confident, proud, possibly vain, but who isnt, but she is still unhappy, for she fears this is all she is.

for the girl who is told she is ugly, not pretty, one of the guys, fat, butch, stupid, etc etc etc, she internalizes this in the same manner as the prettiest girl in the room. Most days, i think i am not pretty. And i am not fishing for compliments, i just want to write to those out there, who understand where i am coming from. I, most days, feel to big, to chubby, to strong, not girly, but cloddy, not feminine, but strong... and there are too many things to count that i want to change.

but what about the good? the great? the outstanding? What about beating down those 5th grade lies we have been believing since the sandbox? They ARE LIES!!!! Beauty is such a concept. Its so interpretive and so subjective. Not to mention, that i have yet to meet a woman who is NOT beautiful in some way or another, even those who by societies standards are ugly, disabled, shunned...

How can we spend most of our lives disliking the body God has given us, the features, the characteristics, what kind of existence is that? Not to mention the vanity, the self-obsession, the critical self hatred, why not think of others, serve others, and simply be yourself. There are many who love you, not only becuase you are beauty, TO THE GIRL I AM WRITING THIS TO, YOU ARE FRICKIN GORGOEOUS, and reva, you are STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL!!! , but those who love you do, because you are worthy of love, and appreciation.

because you are radiant.

Ladies i know this is a challeging thing to try to grasp, taht this world is soo counter all i am saying, and right this very second, is probably attempting to crush your hopeful thoughts, but i suggest we kick and scream at this world, until it bleeds out light, and hope and beauty.

We dont settle in so many ways, why settle your beauty in mediocrity.

be humble and you will shine.

I am going to a party this week with the boys who are the causes of my insecurites, more on that next monday!

this is a show i played at the Red dog! it was a fundrasier and i tried to totally june carter cash it up with the boys!

2007-02-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

take your time melissa. Go slowly. try to understand each of these moments. Stop dreaming of what comes next, of what you want to be, of where you want to go. breathe, gyspy girl. and be brave, for there is much desert to walk. take of your shoes, walk, now is the time to simply walk. travese such elements which hold you, keep you, stand you, try to stick stuck here
oh be content wandering mind. Be patient hurried heart. Less heart. more open eyed gazes. more sitting under these simple heroic train bridges, growing more and more powerful at the sound of the rushing river below.

dont faint. Stay awake. stop falling asleep with good books on your chest when you must follow along, with each and every life altering world.

the hoops, fire lit cirus, jump youngin jump through, come on little girl. Think not, alter not, subdue not, challenge not. Accept it all, everything this world preaches in and out of church walls. You are just a girl. Do your job as such. You are an ornament. A precious, silence. There is a perfectly shaped place for your womanhood in this world. Join our ranks, shhhhh, stop talking so damn much. How are you expected to look pretty bitching like you do. If i have to hear you rant one more time on the trival discourse of foucault i will put you in your place...

being a woman, being a woman, but always up the mountain side your clambering, groping blindly, hungry for anything....

little sister, i believe he will be back again....

i am looking for you sir. i dont want to need you, but i would like some company as i work all of this out. If you will let me rage, scream, kick, spaz out about the constant knocking, the phone keeps ringing, the dollars keep being made, the bikini clad girls keep jumping like lemmings on beaches, while all the drooling young boys stare... they want nothing else. The essays written. they want nothing else. the corporations growing. they want nothing else. The unchallengable truth of blessing and grace and hell. they want nothing else.

It isnt sitting right. i am restless. squirming. hold me still. hold her still. quiet her down. make her stop screaming for God's sakes. shhhh sleep now. just sleep this day away dear. i cant keep fighting for you to notice. to love. to appreciate. so i lie down under the flaming fall leaves, sun piercing through the foliage. i am still waiting under those trees. still sneaking onto the farmer's field to see the view from the rock seated hill top. its soo damn cold this winter. my hands hurt around this flaming red embered cigarette. joanna newsome rings in my ears, her poetic perceptions calming the deepest rutterings of my heart and mind. I clammber akwardly into my bed, holding your spot, whoever you are, for whenever you get here. I cant decide whether to try to talk to you Lord before i sleep. I cant decide if you care.

Its soo selfish to want all of someone's attention. They never lead me on. I just fall in love with everything they are, everything they say, how incredibly impressed i am...and i wait, for someone to be so perplexed with me. To grab my arm as i run past, brush back my flakly flat ironed fashionistic hair and kiss these lips in a way that assures me we are going places where both of our dreams will be seen as an untouchable reality.

when will these feet touch the cobble stones of cubian streets, when will these eyes draw in the african sunset, hear the french intonation in paris, this tongue taste the sweet teas of japenese shops. will i be too overcome with my mind to go to each of these places.

I fear that i am not inadequate, but that i am powerful beyond measure.

i just dont want to have to work so hard. i want one thing to come easy, for once. I have been strong all of my life, and i want someone to let me rest. let me just sleep here, folded defeated, exhausted, let me share the extra smidget of strength you have left.

applied gently, to the love you've lent me.

back to the hoops. am i too idealist love? or will you really come bodly, and take me from this medicore day to the silver lining i have pictured for so long. Does your perfection really exisit. can you make it so that i am to overwhelmed to sneak out the backway, when you are sleep, the second you turn your instatiable head...

some women live with a gray love in their life. its always a fight to keep the backdoor locked. to make sure there are no secret exits behind the study shelves. To keep him occupied, impressed, turned on, excited. There are so many more acceptable young female forms out there.

oh, tired silent 10:30 monday.

the fool, on pilgrimage....

rowing along, among the reeds, among the rushes....i heard your song...before my heart, had time to hush it...

2007-02-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

i am soo stoked. things are soo wicked. for our un-valentines adventure. we played snow street soccer while running around circular avenues. Then we crossed a might bridge, with the wind whipping and wapping at our frozen faces. Wandered through a park underneath the perfect starlight, laughing and joking and just being...

Things are truly splendid. I honestly, since christmas have felt so free, less stressed, unburdened...in a strange way. I know some of the pathways seem silly, they are sort of sad, if thats your perspective, but really i am happy. which is an arbitrary word anyway, but i am enjoying my days, i could say.

I know that i am slightly different, but i finally feel the lightness of peace.

Em

2007-02-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

I fear i have become an ice queen of the coldest persuasion. I have now met an incredible young man who blows me away with every interaction. He is pretty incredible. He writes the most beautiful music, has the softest most wonderful voice, he is kind and gentle....and i dont have to mention, for those who have seen him, so stinkin HOT hahah (but honestly i am more afriad of him becuase of that so its not necessarily a good thing).

I am quite quickly getting a little crazy about this gentle man, but i have constructed, year by year, the most fortified of shelters with which i hide, me and all my self inside, huddled under the kitchen table, wearing tinfoil hats and swearing. I am terrified. I honestly think i am crazy. I talk to people all the time about how incredible they are, how they need to believe in their beauty and stregnth....all that stuff. But i have little belief in myself.

Here's what i do.

To avoid a boy having to worry that i like him (since thats been beat into my head over the years) i start things off by telling them i just want to be friends, so that they dont have to worry. You know like, dont worry there wont bve any akward conversations coming, you can automatically slot me into girl best friend. i am willing to take the spot.

Then i convince them thats all i want. i convice myself. we move on, and i hvae a new good friend (hence the army of guy friends i have acquired over the years)

but this time its not working.

He is hinting. He is trying.

But he thinks i just want to be friends.

Now how do i undue the damage i have done. i cant say anything becuase if i get rejected i might just give up on men altogehter haha. but seriously. i am terrified. I think i have convinced i will only ever see him as a friend, but thats not true at all.

oh man.

my heart heard his song before i had time to hush it.

now what?

any advice for your sista would be wonderful..

doomed to be running her whole existence away. lol

OH YEAH AND I GOT INTO GHANA!!!!! GOING TO AFRICA!!!!! DREAMS COMING TRUE. BRING IT BABY!

honestly this has been the best year ever.

i know one more thing that could make it better, if i wasnt such a wussy.

lol.

em.

2007-01-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

Isnt it odd that i, in particular, post so much important stuff on here, for absolutely anyone to see? Thats weird isnt it. I may stop. Reva, i'll tell you later. hahah.

em.

2007-01-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

So this is me right now, for those of you who havent seen me in a while....or mainly, for reva.....

Alot of things are changing with me right now. I doubt i will come out to be exactly the girl i have been, but i finally feel free, like i am finding more of hte essence of me. ( i dont believe you can ever truly know who you are)

I have realized sometimes you win some to lose some, but "sorry, i'm a champion"

I've got goals, i'm gonna get them.

Ghana

Law School

TA job

Internship

Africa

Africa.

Husband

Kids

Africa

I'm comin for ya!

2007-01-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am weak. Far weaker than i let on. But, i am working on being fine with that. I am struggling right now with my body image. I know, really I KNOW in my heart, that this stuff doesnt matter. That i have friends who love me and think i am beautiful, where how much i weigh, or what i look llike in certain clothes isnt even a factor at all. i know that i love to dance, and play and climb trees, and that this doesnt define me...

but i am disappointed in myself.

I am so worried about my body all the time that in the last few weeks it has made me so cut off and isolated...

But i am a person who cant just accept things. I am making goals, good healthy goals, to befriend my body in better ways. I think that i will just feel alot better about myself if i can accomplish some of these goals.

I am making other goals too. A list of cool things i have to do within this short time frame i call my life.

Soon it will be my 20th birthday, heck, its the start of 2007 right now. I guess what i want for myself is that i start moving, get going, leave things in the past and head full speed ahead into my future.

Step one, focus on school, keep my marks up!
Setp two, get into the Ghana program. i need to get out of here, and get some perspective on other ways to conceptualize life.

There are many others steps i wont bore you with now.

I am work in progress.

Not striving. But living how i define that glorious term.

em.

2006-11-30T00:20:00.000-07:00

i want to remeber this night....
and so i am typin it on out!

I just stood on a train bridge in a moment of complete and utter tinsy tiny-ness, and as i watch the river run rampant below i realized how little i am, how insignificant, and yet, how great, how huge, how powerful.

We have been given life. a life. ours. (unless you choice to surrender it, in which case it was yours to give away in a sense) but we need to do something with that time.

For me, those somethings i need to be doing are, essentially what i just spent my night doing,

learning
discussing life with a great friend
jumping in puddles
walking home down the middle of the street at 2am in the rain (underrated i tell you)
anaylising the way i am licing my life
trying to live for the better
loving jesus
loving others
life.

it is important for those of us who are reassured of the peace, the joy and the love of our lives in Christ to be constantly encouraing, loving and strengthening others in the midst of this crazy world.

becuase it is broken. becuase it breaks people.

becuase jesus heals, loves, and cares. He lets you weep on his infinate shoulder. he holds your face in his hands. he dries tears.

he laughs with you, he celebrates with you, he smiles through you.

we have something true.

when we share that with others, not only are we reaffirmed (which is always needed in this world ) but we help jesus give LIFE to other people.

so be crazy. keep playing and inviting others to play along.

someones got to! and i cant see myself living anyother way.

Em.

2006-11-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

the world we are living in is wrong. its broken. its unjust. its tragic, and some of us know, that we know, that we.....know...that. Years and years are just fleeting by, unnoticed, unanswered...millions of people are dying....unnoticed, unanswered... they are living unbelieveably impossible lives. What do i cry for?

How can i know all i know and yet do nothing. is that not the greatest sin of all? But what? How? Where does anyone ever begin to comprehend the worlds problems?

the world's beauty? the other. them. us. not me. not my family. not friends. not my town, villiage, city, nation, GEOPOLITICAL REGION<<> NOT MINE.....right.....
other human beings....other children of God...other people who have dreams, hope, aspirations, feelings, hatreds, loves, strengths and weaknesses....

What can i do? How do i get the courage to deny this world-this society-these expectations. Where do i get the courage to face the harships, the struggles, how do i look death in the face, and feel brave, and indestructabel....how do i get the point of giving up my life for a belief. for hope. for a change. for a revolution.

and what if no one joins? What if i am alone. What if all i do, no one ever knows about but me......................................................................................................................
unackwnolged (except by those whose hands i have touched, whose eyes i looked into, whose troubles i tried to comprehend in the deepest level of my soul...)

how do i die for my beliefs?

Where do i start?

I want to be a revolutionary.

I dont want to be scared anymore.

How do we start?

2006-11-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

considering all things, i am doing wonderfully.

but there are pressures...

always pressures...

to be thinner...

to be "girlier"

to be more "flirty, more frivoulous," etc etc etc etc etc...

I am always thinking, always critically analysising situations around me, how i interact with people, how i do live and i wish to live my life...and so i am becoming increasing complex and spend alot of time with people who will engage in these analytical conversations with me about the way we live our lives.

I want to be like jesus. the way he lived his life is right on to me, but there are pressures...

There are standards of this world that are constanly trying to tell me that i am not enough in someway or another, and on bad days ( now only about once or twice a month-due to better perspectives on things these days) I slip into a self-doubt which is painful, which is heart breaking, which is soul smothering..

I had one of those days saturday night. my pride got hurt, and i doubted how i am, who i am, how i look...

I considered all the ways in which i could be stricter on myself to be "better".

yes, even after my last ranting blog written to myself and other girls like me, i still slipped into an irrational mindset that was really just sad that once again she wasnt enough...

BUT ITS NOT ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!

i am enough. i am more than enough. God is what makes me full. makes this life real and fills it with the brightest colours i have ever seen. He brings me joy and breathes are breath of fresh air through me to others around me, and them to me. My life is not my own. I dont want it to be. I dont want to make descions without the father, i dont want to listen to the enemy or this wretchedly broken (yet utterly beautiful) world.

Jesus has made me complete. He is constantly changing me for the better. I am constantly analysising how i can live more like he did.

that is all i want to be sure i can say i did when i am on my death bed- is that no matter hard it got to live out this faith, and to live out his guildines for life---i tried. i pushed on. i stayed joyful and hopeful, and i loved myself and others like i should have..

Whatever comes with that, whatever Jesus does and doesnt provide. I want that to be okay.

So i will simply push on....

even if i finish last.

2006-10-27T11:23:00.000-06:00

Oh man oh man. Last night my best friend had her heart STOMPED upon by a guy, and now, things are in shambles. I loved real real hard once, and things ended in shambles. i was in pieces. fragments. whether or not it was really love, at the time i was conviced and i lost alot when i lost it. there were people everywhere trying to put me back together, myslef and the person included. it was a good ending, we are still friends. But still for years...i was still tring. i was still hoping in minisucle hopes locked away that someday, maybe someday, if i was kinder, if i was prettier, if i was braver.....

STOP IT!

about a year ago i face planted! Minutes, days, months, for crying out loud years had gone by where all i had spent an infinate amount of time trying to live a life out that would invite this boy along! STOP IT! For so long i had convinced myself that there was something wrong with me, that i wasnt enough for him, that i had to change when really, i had been ignoring all the reasons i was great, all the things that make me beautiful, courageous, strong and bold. RADIANT! I had also been ignoring the fact that in no way was this person the one for me. Great friends, of course. but not for me. and me. not for him.

This summer and year i have been set free. i am sad that i waited. i sat still. i was silent. i never fought for myself. I am so sorry to myself for taht. but i am back. i have learnt lessons. i have fought battles. i have creid an infinate amount of tears. but i am back, stronger and wiser, (yet still nothing, and still with much to learn).

My advice, and constant pet peeve, is that girls cannot bank everything they are on guys. We are all humans, and we have this uncanny ability to hurt one another. Love is a beautiful thing of course, but you can just wait to live life until your wish for love is fulfilled. you need to live now. find out what your dreams are, your goals are, you hopes, and chase after them. Right now you have the amazing ability to TRAVEL LIGHTLY. you, theoretically, only have to worry about yourself. and so you can live your LIFE. TIME IS RUNNING! and you dont want to miss it.

Someday i am thinking i will be married, i will have incredible children and a nice big yard on a dirt road that takes in the sunshine and turns it to magic...but how much better that will all be if it is just another dream added to the many already fulfilled. if i travel africa, go to cuba, go to graduate school, if i see france, work in orphanges, and DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE.

And that is why i give cudos to JoJo. "It's just a little too late, a little too wrong, and i cant wait!! Its just a little too late."

I am woman, hear me roar! I got a life to live. getting off this stupis internet and biking till my knees are soar!

Love you all. Sorry if this post was akward for anyone *cough* the boy* cough* but its all a part of my story, and i am using it to scare and encourage the locals!

I am done playing small...

(although i am fully aware that to be anything else only comes with God's blessing and tender love.)

Em.

2006-10-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

Whooey! Its a gosh awful day in Peterborough, its soo grey outside, rain is pouring and its cold cold cold cold cold....
and yet...

there is joy. So much freakin joy its spilling out every place it can! I can barely hide it sometimes when i am riding the bus, and everyone looks so serious and i am crackin the largest smile and giggling at how akward the situation is, but how it shouldnt be akward at all. Or when you are waiting around for a bus, or in the weight room, or in line, and no one talks, and then you start up a conversation with someone about anything, it such an incredible breaking of the current, silent world social order. I LOVE IT!

you see dear friends, reva, cause she is prolly the only one who still reads my ridiculous ramblings, i have come to wonder lately how well i am spending my time. This whole summer and subsequent month of school God has made me content. I cant describe how my heart feels. I know that my life is precious and beautiful and although i struggle with insecreturies about my looks, about my body, about boys, those are the exception thankfully to my new wonderful rules on life. Living with passion. creativity and joy.

I have started writing again, i am embarking on a whole new journey with my music and i have found the peaceful expression i once had in poetry all over again. Oh Lord that you would continue to open these doors and pry open this clenched fists so that i can better love you and those around me. I haev made many new freinds this year as i have been forced to stand on my own two feet socially, and they encourage me so much as i hope i am encouraging them! Hokey smokes, it just started snowing!!!

oh man, anyway, i guess i am writing this to encourage us all to keep living lives of love and to remeber to constantling, daily be renewing your mind and checking how you are participating of this world. Your playing small does nothing! You are goerogous, intelligent, sparkling children of God-lift up others in the midst of this race and help them remeber what it means to play, to sing and to dance.

I love you all very much, and i hope God continues to bless your days from eyes open to close.

2006-09-27T20:55:00.000-06:00

yup, its a new year of school. i am ridiculously busy working to afford school, and doing school work to afford paying to go to school. Its crazy, but i know there is some reason God has given my this situation and so honestly everyday i do both things with a positive faithful perspective that reminds me that everything will be alright. Its been a while since i have been home now, i miss my friends, and my new wonderful claremont-i-licous church. lol.

Work is rad, but i have a mini crush at work who makes me feel really beautiful. The worst kind. I am trying to stay focued, and keep myself single-heartedly seeking Jesus until the day when someday i will be hooked up, for now, i am clinging to Jesus's metaphysical coatails.

All in all things are going very well. I am content and joyful, and this boy is cute. lol.

What a wonderful joke life can be!

Melissa Sharon-if the sun can radiate SO CAN I! (and lately i have been it seems!)

2006-06-21T20:48:00.000-06:00

Definately not.

You see mini crushes, they are fun. They are hilarious. They are basically one big jokey feeling, that is more hype and conversation then real genuiness and thought.

Someday when i do fall in love it will be REAL in ever letter of the word. and if its not. Then i want, honestly to be alone. I want Love in bright burning colours, but also in soft sweet pastels. I want adventures, but i also want times of unakward, uninterupted, unnoticed silence.

To that person i want to be a diamond in the sand, one that is rough, but is worth fighting to have, being frustrated to clean up, and one that you keep in the front pocket of your shirt, the one above your heart.

I have had my share of flings, and untrustworthy glances, and although the occasional mini crush is fun to laugh about and dance lightly around...i have yet to even glipse the kind of love the will ring reminisent, and sounds so distinctly similar to the love of a savior on an ole wooden cross.

God willing i will have that at some point. Yesterday was one of my friends 47th wedding aniverery with his wife. That to me, is REAL, Strong, VIBERENT, beautiful love.

I will settle for no less.....

HA. mini crushes. a smudge of the picture of a happy ever after.

Melissa Russell.

2006-06-12T19:12:00.000-06:00

once upon a time i pretty much had the perfect day . It began with being suddenly overwhelmed by church. I just couldnt get inside. So i drove my car down some sad roads i was trying to redeem with new-ness. I drove under the train bridge, and down that road that leads to the random church in the middle of nowhere, remeber? That day, what came next will always be with me. But this new day, this sun shining, peacefully wonderful day, has a next part too. I continued on my travels down my own path, off the course you had choosen for us and abandoned so long ago, and i ended up.............

in claremont.

little tiny claremont.

I then met some pretty rad friends in a church with the shortest pews ever. Little children banging on drum sets, poking the piano and singing songs of joy. I watched him play--it was pretty beautiful. Next on to salmon snapple apple slamon snapple grill cheese. Mmm. Then a 10 k walk through the real world, and back on my way.

But now i am writing a song about asking questions with answers i dont need to know. Thats what i am now trying to avoid.

Melissa sharon.

2006-05-27T22:21:00.000-06:00

So today i recovered this sick cruiser bike from a yard sale, its nightrider black with thick tires and its basically has bad ass written all over it! I am stoked. I just got back from a late night shred through town, it was midnight and i rode EVERYWHERE! had some sweet tunes in my ears and cruised. I am very content with my life right now, in this moment, living things day by day. I dont know what will happen tommorow, or next week, i dont know if i am going to tanzania or to ptbo, but i know that His plans are good, and He has blessed me sooo very much with his grace and his mercy, that even us, flawed, prideful, selfish and undeserving human beings are given the beauty of the stars, shining love and beauty down the dark 4th concession. I have been given so much. I am soo loved. I want to take the love of Christ into the world, and hopefully in some way i will. this life is day by day, and i am full of joy!

"Be always full of joy! Pray consistently and be thankful in every circumstance because this is the will of God for you life in Christ Jesus!"

Oh. So stinkin blessed.

2006-05-01T08:13:00.000-06:00

Surrending ourselves to Christ is pretty stinking crazy...total abandonment. Letting go of goals, desires, still dreaming, but being released to simply follow what God wants for you, and by simply, i mean sometimes not soo simply. Jesus is a crazy radical, he doesnt operate by our time constraints, our consumer culture, our judgements, infact, he only opperates in love, grace and mercy...and all he plans is good. I am prayerfully and quite nervoulsy planning for the Tanzania trip alot more eagerly now that school is complete. I could really use people's prayers, as first i find a job, apply, get accepted (fingers crossed), do all the admin, passport, flight, and the fundraise....oh man, God is with me. Thank goodness, becuase this alot.

Peace in Christ Today.

Melissa Sharon

2006-04-13T14:59:00.000-06:00

God inside us. In our souls. One with us? Throw off yourselves, sell all you have? be willing to go wherever He would lead...

i am thinking about this today.

Jesus gave his goals, his thoughts, his own self...he made it through every temptation he faced because he had to finish, for me. and for you. but even if it was just me. Surely, if he is in my soul, if he is the essence of my soul which i have joyously given away to him, then surely there is strenght within me to play my part whatever that may be.

I get tempted to be discontent, i get tempted to think i need to buy more, to go shopping for more clothes (yeah right, soo many now) that i need to act like all those other girls, BUT right now, in the quite stillness of my room, with my mind shhh'd for 5 seconds of this 24 hour day, i am thinking that Jesus was so content, in everything...and i can be too.

I am content right now, in this moment, with God's presence singing inside my heart...no earthy love can be this still, this quite, this perfect.

Though i think the good ones can come close, my friends come close.

God Bless all of your hearts today.

He will.

Melissa

2006-04-08T07:53:00.000-06:00

I GET SOOO WORRIED about little things, and big this, and believe me, i have great faith. I understand what it means to believe in my faith. Its all i have had at some points in my life, and it has been clear, passionate, bright yellow, and alive. Jesus is alive in my eyes. But over the last couple weeks on of the people i look up to in my life, Dr. Mensa, has gone into a town of great darkness in Ghana, a place so full of eveil spirts, and idol worshipping that it was feared for a long time. But Dr. Mensa felt he and his team should go. That God wanted them to go, and that if they went God would be faithful, thats the key right, when God asks you to do something HE WANTS YOU TO DO IT. and so of course he will be with us in what he says. God will be faithful in Tanzania. God has been faithful this year at Trent. God was faithful in that village in Ghana. The whole village came out to hear the team playing worship, and then to hear Dr. Mensa speak, you know waht. I am gonna copy the story. Read it. It's real God, alive and really working in the lives of his children EVERY SINGLE DAY. God is Real my friends, God is moving, and right now as i write this i can feel Him pressing on my heart. Lets not fear guys! Lets do what God wants for each of us, lets not dream of having it our ways, and i belive that God will use us to help change this world!

"All was set, but brewing right behind us was a powerful African >thunderstorm. Lightning was flashing, thunder was rolling, and it >was rolling our way – quickly. We all prayed that the Lord would not >let it come and stop us from being able to speak for we knew that >the people would read into it that their idol had prevented us from >speaking. That was His first miracle. The town started to gather: >the chief and elders, women, men and children. The two lanterns >flooded the area with light, the drums were set. Pastor Jacob looked >at David and said, “We’re ready”, David replied “Let’s start” and >with faith and fear still wrestling in our hearts, ‘we started’.>>
The singing sounded more beautiful than ever, the dancing seemed >more exuberant and when the Baniantwe chief was called on to speak, >the crowd listened intently. He talked about the olden days when >they didn’t have mirrors. He said that they used to look into water >if they wanted to see themselves to be able to comb their hair, but >once mirrors came, nobody went back using water to see themselves. >He went on to say that in the olden times they served idols, but >someone better has come, Jesus, it is as foolish not to follow Him >as it is to look in water to comb your hair if you have a mirror!>>Ebenezer, who was once a Muslim shared what God has done in his >life. He told of how when he came to know Christ, his family shunned >him, but now he is the one they look to and depend upon.>>
David then spoke about the demon possessed man that the Lord healed >and the town’s response that Jesus should leave them (Luke 8:26-37). >He brought out that here was a man who was tortured and frightening >the whole town, yet when Jesus came along to relieve them from the >fear of the man who was terrorizing them, somehow the people >preferred the situation the way it was and the benefit they could >derive from the pigs more than this man being healed and >contributing to the community. Instead of them begging Jesus to >stay, they begged Him to go. He told them how Satan will always >shift our attention from good things and that the idols they have >served so long want them to ‘sleep in the tombs’ and to suffer.>
>He wove in part of what the Lord has done in his life and in his >family’s life mentioning that he had walked from Yaara many times >with his Uncle Asimbo carrying goats and sheep to the idol of Bewele >and yet, if Jesus had not intervened in his life, that same uncle >would have had to beg for food to eat before he died because he was >so poor. He talked about an uncle that served a particular idol so >faithfully and yet was so poor that someone took his only ‘cloth’ >from him because he couldn’t pay a debt of about a penny. He >reminded them that years ago, they had said they didn’t even want a >road to their village as the noise of cars would send the spirits of >the idols away from there, and that now, they are asking us to try >and help them get a road. This is another way that they too have >been kept in bondage. And with all the service they have given to >that idol, they have no clean water to drink. He told them it is >time for them to choose Jesus and leave that demon!>>He asked them “Are you tired of making the sacrifices of sheep and >goats?” “Do you want to stay the same?” He concluded by asking them >whether they too wanted to beg Jesus to go or wanted to ask Him to >stay?
At different times, David heard the town elders behind him chatting >back and forth to each other saying “He’s telling the truth.” “How >does he know this?” “God is revealing it to him.” He also heard the >chief, who is also the fetish priest, sighing.
At this point, he invited those who wanted to follow Christ to come >for prayer and without a second’s delay, people started to come -- >beginning with the chief’s elders. Young and old, men and women came >and before we prayed, *there were over 60 people before us* – >including the wife and son of the fetish priest/chief. It was as >though they had been waiting for the gospel to reach them! We were >amazed, thrilled, surprised and thankful God that He had allowed us >all to be part of seeing salvation come Bewele."

Friends i pray that we would not just belive in faith, but that we would be faithful. GO. God be with you.

2006-03-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

I have to say that following Jesus is and is not for the faint of heart...its alot of work. Now i say this, because, imagining Tanzania would be an easy implementation into my life, has slowly disintegrated as things are looking more and more challenging. So now, i simpy continue to pray, and ask for prayer, for each and every aspect of this trip.

Now i say it is for the faint of heart, becuase lately i dont believe my heart could be any weaker. So often i want all the good things of this world, and i want them right now! and my heart has gotten attached, to things in this world, to things i know i must give up, to things i often replace God's role in my life with. It is just so much easier to run to friends, and family, with a quick phone call, or a short email, then it is to seek comfort at the foot of a God i cant see, but can only sense is there. Believe me, i know you are there. But its hard to cling to nothing visible or tangible in worldy terms, so that all i can say is, even if it is all taken away, i have the Lord. I understand why Christians can seem as fools to the world! But in reality, that silence i think in, those pitiful prayers i mutter, those bold words i believe, are so much more then this world could amount to...

The other night before bed, i was thinking, at the end of my life, someday, hopefully not to soon, how will i measure sucess.... even if i become sometihng great to this world, if i marry the most beautiful man alive, our marriage worship in itself, raise justice seeking children...right now, in this moment, the one thing i want to know i followed through on is this faith. This yurking inside me which leads me to seek out love for others more then myself, understanding for others more then i can gain for me, and that seeks to walk with a Jesus, that knows me more then i know myslef....

Even if i finish last...

Melissa.

2006-03-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today.

"We ought every day to renew our resolution and to rouse ourselves to fervor, as if it were the first day of our conversion, saying 'Help me, Lord God, in my good resolve and in thy holy service and give me grace this very day really and truly to begin, for what i hvae done till now is nothing.....We all long for heaven where God is, but we have it in our power to be in heaven with Him right now, to be happy with Him now menas lving like He loves, helping like He helps, giving as He gives, serving as He serves, rescuing as He rescues, being with hin 24 hours a day, touching Him in His distressing disguise.

Jesus is going to do great things with you if you let Him, and if you dont try to interfere with Him. We interfere with God's plans when we push in someone or something else not suitable for us. Be strict with yourself, and with what you are recieving from the outside. People may come with wonderful ideas, with beautiful things, but anything that takes you away from the reality of what you have given to God must remain outside.

No need for us to despair. No need for us to be discouraged. No need, if we have understood the tenderness of God's love.

One thing Jesus asks me; that i lean on Him; that in Him and only in Him I put complete trust; that I surrender myself to Him unreservedly. Even when all goes wrong and I feel as if I am a ship without a compass, i must give myself completely to Him. I must not attempt to control God's actions, i must not count the stages in the journey He would have me make. I must not desire a clear perception of my advance upon the road, must now know precisley where i am upon the way...

The simplicity of our life of contemplation makes us see the face of God in everything, everyone, and everywhere, all the time"

-Mother Teresa

tough. but i am willing to work on it. I read this today as i was at the gym. and it hit me, kinda hard...Its certainly something to think about, this is an everyday thing-trusting, leaning, and giving yourself to Him everyday. Lord, help me.

2006-02-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

Basically,

I want this. I want to live this out. For me and for God. But i dont want it to be loud, i am always loud. one time someone told me that they think i act extroverted to cover up other sides of me...a weaker side...a shy side.

God is teaching me that this is true.

but God is and has for a long time, been very alive in my heart. I have a passion for the hurting, for the suffering, for justice, for Jesus...but often, i feel i am not experience enough. i often think that wiht more practise, then i will be able to speak confidently at bible studies..,

but my faith, for now, is quiet. and thats how i know it is real. It is intimate, it is close, i can hear it in it's whispers....i feel it, sometimes closer then my skin.

I am going to tanzania. I am confident that God will be with me in every step. I am really afraid. but this is one of those things that only God has planned, only god has forseen, and that only He can lead me through.

I love everyone that supports me in my life. Really. So much, its intense.

I am also learning what it is like to be in love with God. and to realize how much He is in love with me.

Always learning.

2006-02-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

I may be one of the most pathetic people....

What am i thinking? He is right here. He just left a message on my machine...saying happy valentines day... he was thinking about me.

I got scared so fast, and i have built my whoe perception of love on false illusions for the future. What am i thinking?

He wants to marry me someday, I am not even giving him a chance. I am soo stubborn.

And sadly. its valentines day, at 10:48 and i am listening to boys to men, and my best friend in the world is taking me out of this mood..

Pathetic.

thankfully i have Jesus. I did spend the whole day thinking about his love for me. And that was amazing. but so quickly, i am once again impatient and insecure....

I need sleep. goodnight.

2006-02-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Our responsibilty.

So tonight, i played a song i wrote for some friends, with a lyric "jesus, dont fail them now" in to. This lyric was questioned. I was questioning. Josh and i talked for a long time, me struggling, with why if we believe God blesses us daily, and brings us joy etc. He does not do it for the South. Why He in all his power rise up?

Josh tried to give me his answers but it just wasnt working. I was growing weaker in my own thoughts every second. I have seen this question destroy even the seemingly solid...

I was falling asleep, but knew i should at least pick up my bible first. I couldnt go to sleep with such a heavy mind.

This is what i opened my bible to, this is what i read.

"But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. ALL NATIONS will be gathered in his presence, and he will seperate them as a shepard seperates the sheeps from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. Then the King will say to those on the right 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inheirt the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For i was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home. I was naked and you gave me clothing. i was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prision, and you visited me.
...." i assure you, when you did it to the least of these, you were doing it to me"

but also, i read that;

"Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, 'Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the Devil and his demons! For i was hungry, and you didnt feed me. I was thirsty, and you didnt give me anything to drink. i was a stragner, ad you didnt invite me into your home. i was naked, and you gave me no clothing. I was sick, and in prison, and you didnt visit me.... i assure you when you refeused (notice REFEUSED) to help the least of these, you were refusing to help me.''

God's love through us. God in them. God in us.
God is working.

but we certainly have to fill our part, human beings have a huge reponsibilty, not only for the pain and suffering in our world, but for listening to God, acting as jesus did, and doing what we can to help where we can.

"and one day Your hope, it will enflame,
and peace it will shine your name,
and the darkness that grew, in the night,
will be bathed in light."

Jesus i believe in your plan, and i know that it is good. Amen

2006-01-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

A good idea...

Jesus said to the religious Jewish leaders, “I can't do a solitary thing on my own: I listen, then I decide. You can trust my decision because I'm not out to get my own way but only to carry out orders. 31If I were simply speaking on my own account, it would be an empty, self-serving witness. 32But an independent witness confirms me, the most reliable Witness of all.

Jesus didnt do a thing on His own. He knew that if He did it was too likely to have himself written all over it. I am starting to learn how important it is to be present in this way. Present in right now. Praying about right now, and throughout each day. It is fine to have passions and hearts that burn for the future, but the fire cannot consume. There is joy in these moments that you are having right now. There are lessons in the moments you having right now...and also, God has a need for you in the moments you are having right now. Jesus made now action without the Fathers approval, right now, God wants me in school, necxt year i think He wants me in Tanzania...I need to start considering Him in my actions, cause then, i will be living more for Him than for myself.

I like these lines too...
36But the witness that really confirms me far exceeds John's witness. It's the work the Father gave me to complete. These very tasks, as I go about completing them, confirm that the Father, in fact, sent me. 37The Father who sent me, confirmed me.

We can live as examples, and our examples will spread truth and reality to people.

I ranted about sex the other day, and body image, because they frsutrate me, because i struggle with them, because sometimes i fear them...but i dont give in to those fears, because i have an image, in Christ, and to him i am wonderful....which also allows me to be humble, and safe in him. i want to live as an example of self-respect, of knowing myself in Christ, and as someone who is content in the love their Father has for them....i hope my actions will confirm that God is good.

God help me in these things.

2006-01-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

People dont take things seriously anymore....

I was just in the washroom, and some girls were calling me to join into the conversation about our contempt for the conservatives. True, i am always ready to jump into a rant about the conservatives, but one of their reasons was that they could no longer have abortions...

I hate abortions. I know they are wrong.

Cait and I are now talking about this, and reaffriming our thoughts of how wrong the image of sex in our society has become. We are starting to verge of Sodom. Sex is not taken seriously. You dont need to be mature to have it. You dont have to be committed to have it. You can have it outside and inside marriage (freakin swing clubs), and what's worse, the consequences dont matter either. There is a huge rise in STDS and in abortions, but still, we are told to search for love, validation, and a social status through sex.

It is no wonder we have sexual devients and people who do terrible perversions to the innocence. We no longer guard ourselves against the tmeptations of lust and sin is rampant...

The other day, a friend told me that her boyfriend who she loved dearly, saw a tiny, hot girl, and actually said to her " i wish you lokoed like that" I actually take pity with him. With all boys. They are being so attacked by images of sexual leudity that the things that truly make a girl beautiful in all aspects of the word, are being sacrificed to satisfy an ideal. They are attack on the basis of a important need of theirs 'to suceed' 'to be good at what they are doing.' The image that is being sold is that you need to have a girl like this, brittany, christina, etc, if you are going to look good, if you are going to be enough..

but love is soo much more than that.

This has had incredibly terrible consequences of the thoughts of girls and women. no longer is there a chase for their hearts. Many are just throwing themselves as any guy taht will take them, as if it is a great race between all girls just to get someone. Many girls are doing themselves soo much harm to fill the image they think will get the guys....

true realtionships and love between two people is being attacked from all angles. God help us to hold on to truth in this sea of lies. To withstand the harsh winds that beat on us, as we push on.

God be with us.

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

So Tanzania...

So i am thinking of runnind away, but in a new way. In a way that will not leave me tired, weary, and short of breath. The year For God programme will be just that, a year concentrated on my Father, and on serving others (the best way to get your mind off of your own selfishness). I will be hearing lectures on topics in which i can search for wisdom, and truth, and for me to learn, to really base my faith on. Then, i can do relief and development work, live in community, get out of this consumer culture, this impersonal day to day, and seek uncluttered, undistracted joy. I am stoked. As of now, i have little doubt that this is what i should do, but i have been praying continually that God would protect this path from darkness, and doubt, a much as possible, so that i can step out in faith, and stay encouraged.

I really want to do this. I really think it is exactly what i need right now. I want to get out. I want to focus on God, to rely on Him in a place somewhat seperated from the comforts that keep my faith in such a comfortable place.

i am anxious. I want to go now. But it's not for a while. So i will chill out.

Your prayers would be great friends!

melis.

2006-01-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

All My Prophets-Waxwing.

All of my prophets were singers of sad songs,
So it’ no wonder that I’ve been the victim of,
All of my prophets were singers of sad songs,
So it’s no wonder that I’ve been the victim of
A wavering faith
A wavering faith, call me weak if you like
My body gets tired
Of it’s internal driver
Relentless unsatisfied and wired
Look at were you’re coming from

All she’s been through and all you’ve done
Stop beating on the ones you love
I am the Instrument you’ve all Awaited
Humble I’ve been humiliated
I’ve seen things you’ll never see
I know what you want to be
So listen if answers you seek
Turn your eyes inside out
Come to expect all you’ve doubted
Everything’s laid out for you,
nothing need be told you
You will know the truth

I have to stop doubting your incredible power and love...
It's all up to You.
for You...

2006-01-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

SO GOD HAS TO THWART HER. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue...

God and i are growing closer and closer everyday. I am starting to take time out daily for our time. something that breathes fresh air into my soul, and allows me to run as fast as i need to.

I am pressing into something big here. I dont even think i know the half of it yet!

Melis.

2006-01-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

often sorrow is just an opportunity to challenge your soul.

God wants us to drwan near to him, and so we are challenge constantly in our faith. Do you need a test to see how your realtonship with jesus fairs? then just look at how you handle suffering and sorrow. Do you run to jesus? Do you sit in silence? Do you do the things you know can bring you answers and clarity and peace?

I dont. but that is my report card. I am learning what i need to do.

2006-01-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

so God had to thwart her...

"Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill?....He did it to save her!!For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul-and ours- that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. SO GOD HAS TO THWART HER. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.
Jesus has to twart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue......Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all." Captivating.

I've had bad luck with fathers. I have one, who left, who doesnt call, who doesnt try, and one, who sadly, doesnt know how to love. He may, but he cant show it. what this has done to me, i have tried to ignore. I have thrown my life into school work, high grades, high opinons, a respectable life. I have thrown myself into studying, and trying to always be there best, even if the race is only against myself. I often dislike the way i look, despite the great amount that i do like. I often fight too many battles, unfortunately, maybe, for attention.... maybe this is for attention. I dont think so. At least i hope not.

There is alot in me that is guarded. I ahve protectionsist measures, to ensure that my life is guarded, that i am stable, and secure.

but they dont really work.

I have thrown everything i am in into soo many things in the last few years, and honestly, not once have i felt like i have experienced the type of joy or reward i should get from any of them. Somethings i have watched be broken entirely. things have fallen apart. Somethings, there is just simply no reciprocity.

There is only one person left to turn to, and i am learning that that person isnt me. I know, and am trying to truly understand that jesus wants to fill these gaps, he wants to heal what has been sadly broken. I have tried to avoid this for a long time. But now it is time for some one on one time with my father.

Now is a time of healing in my life. I sincerly hope that many things will change as i truly grow in my father. The one who adores me. the one who will never leave.

I would ask that if you have read this, you would pray for me. and stay with me. I am only 18 adn 3/4ths but i have had alot to deal with.

"down those ancient streets, and down those ancient roads, there together ( my father and i) must go, to get the healing done." Van morrison.

I am feeling very hopeful right now, a little weak, a little embarassed, this is the internet, but all in all, safe.

God bless you in your journeys, as he contiunes to do in mine.

Melis

2006-01-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

the Rest of Life...I shall not walk alone

this is almost a whole year old!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005
.

I'm not afraid, although many times i hope i am. I wish, because then i would have an excuse to back down, to fall away, to run as fast as my athsmatic heart will allow...but in reality, despite what i do, i feel stronger than ever. Right now, i am at Trent university, thinking about the rest of my life, thinking about what has past, and what lies dormantly ahead...and I know that I shall not walk alone. Sometimes, you just need to exhale, softly and slowly, but with the uttmost passion and strength, and you need to know, know, know, know that God is with you. You need to understand, beyond all of your inhibitions and doubts, THAT YOU SHALL NOT WALK ALONE!!!My walk, will be courageous, not with an absence of fear, but with in the dominant presence of trust...the beautiful sweetness, that you know you long for, the everlasting sigh, the everlasting peace...Thanks for sharing this with me.Melis

2006-01-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sunday, July 24, 2005
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

It's strange how sometime's you can very easily forget how important some people are in your life. My friends are the greatest people in my life. Sometimes they are my family, sometimes they are my councilors, usually they are my teachers. Tonight, we went to see charlie and the chocolate factory, we dressed up, and ran down the hallways. i played Dance Dance the best i had ever played it. Things will be different next year, because i will have to make new friends, and make new decisions as to what those friends will be like, what they will take part in, what we will laugh about. I have picked quite poorly in the past. I love my friends becuase they love me and that is the best feeling in the world. To be loved, to be validated and to be respected, and to know that you are safe.
I hope that everyone feels this type of strength with their friends.
To all mine, i love you. You Are Sooo Loved!

2005-12-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

vulnerability 1.
a.Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.
b.Susceptible to attack
c.Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

Last night i had a great talk with two people i trust greatly. I told them a bunch. Lately, i have been thinking about what it means to be vulnerable. To put yourself out there. To trust.
Early in the year, i was reading my bible and read God specifically asking his children to trust him. To be vulnerable. To stake their lives on Him. And then, he promised, he would come through.

but i am even scared of what it means to trust my two friends...my family...someone who loves me...and then, the one who created me, who knows me, who is deeply involved in not only my everyday, but the longings of my soul.

Whether i want to vulnerable or not, Jesus knows my soul, my heart, and everthing between.

We have to trust each other. Relationships, friendships, family, faith, these are what are important in life. To be honest, and real, and to experience God and life through these things are what will fulfill you. So why hide out?

"so far, when i feel let down, you are always there for me, your life means so much to me." these are words playing in an openhand song i am listening to right now.

These words are what i know are true in my life. I am going to start living what i know is true.