so God had to thwart her...

"Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill?....He did it to save her!!For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul-and ours- that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. SO GOD HAS TO THWART HER. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.
Jesus has to twart us too- thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue......Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all." Captivating.

I've had bad luck with fathers. I have one, who left, who doesnt call, who doesnt try, and one, who sadly, doesnt know how to love. He may, but he cant show it. what this has done to me, i have tried to ignore. I have thrown my life into school work, high grades, high opinons, a respectable life. I have thrown myself into studying, and trying to always be there best, even if the race is only against myself. I often dislike the way i look, despite the great amount that i do like. I often fight too many battles, unfortunately, maybe, for attention.... maybe this is for attention. I dont think so. At least i hope not.

There is alot in me that is guarded. I ahve protectionsist measures, to ensure that my life is guarded, that i am stable, and secure.




but they dont really work.



I have thrown everything i am in into soo many things in the last few years, and honestly, not once have i felt like i have experienced the type of joy or reward i should get from any of them. Somethings i have watched be broken entirely. things have fallen apart. Somethings, there is just simply no reciprocity.

There is only one person left to turn to, and i am learning that that person isnt me. I know, and am trying to truly understand that jesus wants to fill these gaps, he wants to heal what has been sadly broken. I have tried to avoid this for a long time. But now it is time for some one on one time with my father.

Now is a time of healing in my life. I sincerly hope that many things will change as i truly grow in my father. The one who adores me. the one who will never leave.

I would ask that if you have read this, you would pray for me. and stay with me. I am only 18 adn 3/4ths but i have had alot to deal with.

"down those ancient streets, and down those ancient roads, there together ( my father and i) must go, to get the healing done." Van morrison.

I am feeling very hopeful right now, a little weak, a little embarassed, this is the internet, but all in all, safe.

God bless you in your journeys, as he contiunes to do in mine.

Melis