considering all things, i am doing wonderfully.

but there are pressures...

always pressures...

to be thinner...

to be "girlier"

to be more "flirty, more frivoulous," etc etc etc etc etc...

I am always thinking, always critically analysising situations around me, how i interact with people, how i do live and i wish to live my life...and so i am becoming increasing complex and spend alot of time with people who will engage in these analytical conversations with me about the way we live our lives.

I want to be like jesus. the way he lived his life is right on to me, but there are pressures...

There are standards of this world that are constanly trying to tell me that i am not enough in someway or another, and on bad days ( now only about once or twice a month-due to better perspectives on things these days) I slip into a self-doubt which is painful, which is heart breaking, which is soul smothering..

I had one of those days saturday night. my pride got hurt, and i doubted how i am, who i am, how i look...

I considered all the ways in which i could be stricter on myself to be "better".

yes, even after my last ranting blog written to myself and other girls like me, i still slipped into an irrational mindset that was really just sad that once again she wasnt enough...

BUT ITS NOT ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!

i am enough. i am more than enough. God is what makes me full. makes this life real and fills it with the brightest colours i have ever seen. He brings me joy and breathes are breath of fresh air through me to others around me, and them to me. My life is not my own. I dont want it to be. I dont want to make descions without the father, i dont want to listen to the enemy or this wretchedly broken (yet utterly beautiful) world.

Jesus has made me complete. He is constantly changing me for the better. I am constantly analysising how i can live more like he did.

that is all i want to be sure i can say i did when i am on my death bed- is that no matter hard it got to live out this faith, and to live out his guildines for life---i tried. i pushed on. i stayed joyful and hopeful, and i loved myself and others like i should have..

Whatever comes with that, whatever Jesus does and doesnt provide. I want that to be okay.

So i will simply push on....



even if i finish last.