Hmmm.....

So I am finishing university and oddly enough, I seem to have circled right back round to the Your feet my Lord.  

I have tried for long enough now to try to walk on my own.  I have lost my discipline.  My willpower.  My direction.  All because I have been running head straight into everything-I have been running, running and I can't find peace.  I remember the kind of joy you can bring, the sweet taste of honey and the bright rays of the sun.  I am searching for that now.

I need grace.  

We all need a little grace sometimes don't ya think?

Our world is turning into a scary place.  Whole societies just running, running and they have just run right away from any conception of God.  Where has this lead?  How are we living out our lives?  What gods are we serving?  We have replaced the idea of a maker, a creator, a heavens with what?  Money?  Food? Alcohol? Sex? 

There is nothing here that makes me fall to my knees, but there was something that used to.  I used to dance and praise the Lord, fall on my face and cry, leap, shake, shiver and sing for my Lord.  Now, I just run from everything....

There is One who can heal me and I know that.  There is only One who can walk beside me and love me and promise never to leave me.  I know this too.

Who knew it would take four years of schooling to learn what I knew all along.

I think my faith has been through the fire.  I hope that now, it can shine brightly like the sun...

Yours, 

Melissa.

hello everyone!

I know i am a disapointment already in terms of the writing thing, but i will try to do better! The days seem soo long here, but i generally can only get one or two things done in a day, outside of school and being home for dinner, and then going out! lol

School has started and as dan said last year, it is nice to finally have some routine. Right now we are going twi classes, ghanian history and african history. Its easy so far, since most of it is just review (thank you tim stapleton). The teachers are really great! especially our twi teacher kofi, who is always shoutin, praise the lord! hallaluha! when we say stuff right!

Being in Ghana is fanastic, though i did have my first cry the other day. I guess i didnt realize how i was adjusting. You have to pay attention to how you are feeling or else it will just well up on you and expode! Someone said a comment to me, which at home would have been rude, and i just lost it. I went to school and my friend kwaku, explained what it mean here, i just started balling. its was soo embarassing. i couldnt stop. lol. but it was just kind of a outpour and then i felt much better. No problems since.

Its definately hard making friends here, althought i have made quite a few. because we are soo high alert about safety etc etc, we are often too suspicious of people we meet and it kills the mood. Same with boys here. I get hit on, all day, everyday, but you know that most of them arent serious, they just think misconceptions about you, like you can get them to canada, or you have money. Although, i have met one friend who is a boy, and he is a very nice gentlemen. lol keep you posted on that one.

Despite, the constant male attention, ghanians are the friendliest people i have ever met. They are always helping me out when i am lost, getting me home safe, and even sharing their meals off their plate with me. They say "you are invited" and then you can just dig in with them!

The food is awesome! Its spicy and there arent many veggies which is sweet! Everyday is soo exciting becuase we are always finding cool local chop bars and little markets to eat it, its always an adventure.

so is driving....

tro tros are awesome, its like 20 cents for a long trip, but you are cramped in this old VW camper bus type thing, and its soo hot, but its cheap and i find them exciting. LAst night, our taxi driver had his lights fail while we were driving home, but because we were all girls and it was late, he wanted to make sure we got home safe! Try driving in poor street lights with no lights on a car! now thats an adventure! Sure i could have told him to stop, but meh, i trust he didnt want to die, so we probably wouldnt have lol. Then when we got out, there was a flash rain fall, and we all got soaked. excellent night. lol

Last night, we had a nice dinnner at the chalets, with ghanian drummers and dances. I got told i dance like a ghanaian, plus i was wearing a ghanaian dress... it was a compliment for me!

Its sweet, cause i often get better prices then the other oboruni (white people) becuase i am mixed. When i tell people my dad is jamaican, they say, oh my sister, you are of my blood! I have even gotten a welcome home! hahahaha

I love it here guys! Really, i dont have much time left, but i will try to write a follow up soon!

Love you all!

Peace!

Hey everyone!!

Greetings from Holland! Thats right, i know stand absolutely corrected. I love Amsterdam and i even admit a certain fondness for the Dutch. So after almost missing my flight (i had about 5 minutes before they stopped checking bags for our flight) i finally caught up to Matt and checked in super fast. The flight here was good. Matt and i were laughing the whole time, thinking how crazy it was to be leaving everyone behind, and to finally be living the dream! lol. Sydney met us at the Shipnol airport and we got lost in the Dam with our heavy packs and bags. That was quite the trip. Felt a bit like a pack horse personally!

We got to our hostel, named the flying pig, and it is sweet. They provided us with a great breakfast and then headed to a coffeeshop downtown. We bought a bunch of ganja and had our first sesh at Rookies, a little pot bar. We ventured around a bit, but it was definatel 4 in the morning ONtario time and we were totally beat. I couldnt sleep on the plane for the life of me, so i was exhusted. Unfortunately, we slept from 1:30-6:00, a well needed nap. Then we got back up and there is a sweet bar at the bottom of our hostel. The beir in Amsterdam is delicious. The dutch do know how to do a beer! Syd's cousins and Syd came at about 9:30 and we hit the town. Off to another coffeeshop were we all hung out togethere and then to a wonderful little jazz club. The music was amazing and i was totally stoked the appreciation of jazz. Amsterdam is an absolutely breathtaking city. All f the apartments have large, european windows, with no screens and that let tons of sunlight in. The weather is not to hot, which is nice since Africa is coming now.

Funny thing, nationality is huge here. The dutch are like the proudest people in the world! Last night, Lawrence was fighting with an Irish man, and told him he was Irish so he had a low IQ. THe other guy was ready to fight him for it. It was nuts. Also, all the Euros, think we are just Americans flipped around. That takes some explaining that's for sure.

We also so the red light district last night. It was more disturbing then i thought it would be. Certainly a necessary evil, because with it standardized like this people are protected from disease and are kept safe by security as opposed to the informal sex trade all over the world. Still, it was hard to try to comprehend how most of those women in the windows were feeling. I couldnt imagine really.

Anyway, Matt and i are gonna get up early, get some breakfast and get shuttled to Shipnol. We are gonnna have some brownies this morning and chill and then catch our plane.

I probably wont be able to write for a few days now, but just keep checkin if you arre interested.

Love you all,

Melissa Sharon

whew. spent the morning looking at existenialism and nietchze. An existenialist seeks to find meaning soley by embracing existence. Their decisions are based on what meaning means to them... It's realizing that we are free. That is difficult to accept. We have free will of our own persons and our decisions are truly are our own. Now, we can choose to let others influence those thoughts-or not. Nietzche would call that the slave mentality, but for some, the collective is where really strength lies. Morality is a strange tool. Its okay if everyone blindly accepts its need, which is not a bad thing at all. But let's say you question the group mentality. Really, you are free to do so, and to act on your own truth.

There is no objective way to prove the truth of Christianity. The father of existenialism, Soren_Kierkegaard, was a Christian, but he called it a leap of faith, which i think is beautiful. You cannot prove it, then you can take your free will and decide to commit it to that, or you, can not. Thats your choice as well.

Some relinquish their personal freedom to "others". Some make themselves an object for others, to "look at" and influence. But then, we base our idenities on the collective. On the other and what they think of us, when really, in reality, in existence, we are beings in and of ourselves. It should matter to me more what i think of myself than what others do, because in alot of ways others are irrelvent. Maybe they dont even exist. How do i trust you arent just a figment of my imagination that i create around my for my own personal enjoyment lol. Well now i am streching it, but the original point stands.

kierkegaard said that for one to have faith in God, he must doubt that he exists. The doubt is the rational part without which faith would have no substance. I think its really important, especially with something as subjective as faith, especially if you are advocating that faith as the truth, to have questioned things and to know why you believe them. How else do you know if they are truth. Blind faith is fine, but a studied, deep and developed faith, one that has been tested through fire and turned into the brightest gold, is, to me, a far firmer foundation.

Of course your own truth is subjective and of course subjectivity to you, is truth. It is your truth. It is what rings true to you. And you can decide, if what you think is bad for you, is bad, or what is good for you, constiutes goodness. Morality can be based upon the rational conciousness of what is harmful to me, is harmful in itself. Of course, its selfish, but what else do i know is real, other than the Self. Me. My Body. My mind. My thoughts.

i am only gonna be on this earth once, provided that reincarnation isnt in fact true. while i am here i need to enjoy my experience here whatever way i decide to live my life. I only get one. So if my heart isnt settled on something, i might not do it. There are certain things i enjoy that i will do. Maybe there is a heaven. I dont think there is a hell. but if there is a heaven i would assume that living a life dedicated to the poor and those suffering under injustice would be good enough. If not, as Stef says, i would look up at whatever God exists and say, "you know what, i thought better of you." But i doubt that will happen that way anyway.

The point is.....maybe there isnt one.

Em

last night in peterborough, last night with my wonderful terriorsome trio-paul, luke and dave. they made my last night incredible. Wow. i am overwhelm by how i feel at the very end of this year.

here is what i have learned,

i'm sick of people treating singleness like is pales in comparison to marriage. i dont think it does. they are both pretty sweet choices. its really up to you.

dave got caught on quaker, almost last night. but the urge to climb again is even higher now lol

some friends love you in a way that is tough to handle sometimes, but so constructive.


i want to live my idea of beautiful, truful life.

i am happy.


i love every single day right now. honestly i do. i couldnt have asked for better.



you should never feel bad for having been in love. its not a bad thing.



i am both beautiful and interesting.


hahahah what a night though, really. i think i met a ton of rad people, sadly on my last night and now i must leave them.


one in particular. but we are biking tommorow before i leave.



honestly, i am terrified to go back to uxbridge....


cause i've never quite been the girl they want to see.


anyway, point of the story is my trio of garcons are the most wonderful, and they are the only hope i ahve left in the male gender hahaa.



glorious evening. she rambles on....

oh its nice to see you, but this grown up facade make you blurry and i cant see straight. oh, i remeber you, the boy i knew, those light up shoes, velcro, you trace through my brain.
i'm that girl next door. Laying out on my front lawn, a spice girls song singing my blues away, hey, lets get away, would you join me to use up this day.

I can see us, turning hills into mountians and i am your queen, as i climb, bravely. There's volcanic streams all around JUMP! i cant lose you this way. Hey! I've got an idea, yes, promise me, this how we will stay, we'll grow old just like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let anyone get you down...
we've conquered the hardest terrain, we've played hail or rain, would you join me to us up this day, say, this is beauty right here, and no matter what, lets stay this way.

Now you're pretty cool. and i wake up at 5 just to put on my face, get my nappy hair staight--cause no boys gonna want you with grass stains and hair in your face, we say hey, when we pass through these halls, theres a secret smile there on your face, no we cant really play now, but i, remeber those days.

and i can see us, turning hills in to mountains and i am your queen as i climb, bravely, there's volcanic streams all around JUMP i cant lose you this way, Hey, i've got anidea, promise me this is how we will stay, we'll grow old like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let any one get you down...
we've conquer the hardest terrian, we've played hailing or rain, would you joinme to use up this day. Say. this is beauty right here, and now matter what, lets stay this way..


In our university town, havent been outside for days and i cant put food in my mouth---cause i've never quite been the girl they want to see, and i see you round town. With your baseball cap checkin out girls as they pass---and tahts all they are something to pass through..
i'm no longer secure, you're screaming at me, where's that tree climbing dame, but you just the same--crushed by the weight of it all, i've got bills to pay, dates to make, makup and hair, oh and excersie, please dont be mad, just be glad that well get through this day...

i remeber when days use to linger and stay...

and i can see us, turning hills into mountains and i am your queen as i climb, bravely, there's volcanic streams all around, JUMP! i wont lose you this way.
Hey! i've got an idea, promise me this is how we will stay, we'll grow old just like this, blowing dandilions off of their stems, friend, dont let them get you down...

cause we've conquered the hardest terrain, we've played hailing or rain, would you join me to use up this day, say, this is beauty right here, and no matter what lets stay this way....



oh its nice to see you...but thsis grown up facade makes you blurry and i cant see stright, wait , i remeber you the boy i knew, light up shoes and volcro you trace through my brain. and i was that girl, laying out on her lawn, a spice girls song singing my blues away, hey, lets get away, would you join me to use up this day...



em.

Onwards soldiers, sneaky theives, upwards to the top of the quaker oats factory!

The highest point in all of ptbo.

Today the greek festival sent the campus asoar, with music from the finest friends, dancing before the colissium, beer and sunshine, drums and js. then off to ghana orientations-so much to learn. so much to re-form, re-think, unlearn, connect with and bloom.

More music. David's voice often sounds like a weary wind which whips around you like a clear night-its clear and pure and everyone is always silent.

the show is over. We are hitting the town! seein friends, more music, only choclate chip cookies, beer and more dancing.....can this day get any better? I have been the first girl to dance in a crowd of hundreds today, i have made new friends and even led, its been so long since i have led something...i remeber what it was like to have those goals.

but it did get better.again, i have the most incredible guy friends in the world.

paul-the 'sexy' brain. he is one of those thinkers who will one day blow us all away, he is a great mind, an incredible dancer and so kind.

David-the nomad morning song. So creative. so open. so encourging and tender. such a postive force. and my partner in crime almost everyday! Who could ask for a better someone to do everything from nothing-to...break and enter?

matt. w- the kindred spirt. the craziest dancer in the world. Dan you are a rockin dancer, but you have to see this kid! he is so smart and gets so excited with me about everything. we are both dorky, watch spice world, have magic adventures and follow eachother around. We are going to ghana.

Matt palmer- this boy is restoring so much that is splintered in me, especially my struggles with beauty, body and boys lol. Drove me to lakefield when i was sad. Yells at me when i am hating on myself too much. Splendid.

Calder- the poet. i dont see him as much anymore. we hung out everyday first semsester. He came up with the name em. he throws rocks at my window when he wants to go out and wreak havoc and subvert the adult establishment. he has a beautiful soul and encourages the same in me.

that all being said.this was my night...we drive to the gates at te quaker oats factory, just to see what we are dealing with, get a good sense of how high, where the ladders are etc etc.This building is insanley tall. and there is a bright shining, watertower type thing on the very top. I dont know height estimates but you can see the top of everything in peterborough from there.we go and park the car in the bushes. Luke, a newer friend, brought about the short skirt girls in heels. we are terrified she is going to fall to her death. but she is one of those girls i always tend to think are incabable of doing anything rad like this, anything more then batting eyelashes and giggling. so wrong, turns out.

quaker has an electric fence all around it. and two secutriy guards at both enterences. We had to seek along the fence into a tree filled, branchy area. we had to slide down a steep steep hill to the rivers edge, creep along the river, run back up the hill, and literally hold our bodies to the fences, to keep from falling down the next hill. We are close now. there is a part where the fences lower. by the way, the boys at this adventure are david, paul, luke, and april, the high heeled 'hottie' lol.

So we get to the lower part of the fence, quick hit the dirt. lay down. dont breathe. there is a security guard doing his rounds, appears there is more the two. we wait. silent. if he comes to the fence he will see 5 people huddled in the dirt, trying not to creek.he doesnt come near. he round the corner, now is the time, jump the little fence and run RUN RUN. heeled girl is rocking the running in heels. i'm impressed thats for sure. We look up. the ladder has to be pulled down like one of those fire escapes, at first it wont budge, the guys are gonna lift us. Yeah fuckin right. I hate my body enough sometimes. not confident enough for that. david gets it down. we've got to hurry. this climb is literally STRAIGHT UP, link after link, then a little ledge that leads to more links. high. dont look down. 10 feet, 20, feet 30, 40 ,50, 60 i dont know at least seven or eight of these little balconies. So scared of being caught. so terrified. I have asked to give up a lot of times but paul wont let me quit and david just keeps looking at me and reminding me to trust him.we climb up. we are the roof 8-9 stories up. we can see the top of peterborough from here, but we arent done. no way. and whats that, that doors totally unlocked. I guess so, i mean who climbs like 8o feet up. more straight up ladders. about 3 or 4 more. WE ARE LITERALLY ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD!! lol. serisouly though, its like 2am and i can see ALL of peterborough. i am above it all. the activity. the quiet eveings in front of the tv. the drunk dionysis kids. it smells like oatmeal. i love quaker brown sugar cinninon and i am standing on the very top of where its made. one more step, about a nothing ten foot climb to the peak. dave and paul go. its white with a bright light and 5 people you could definately see from the gound.

HEELED GIRL CLIMBED THE ENTIRE 100 FEET IN HEELS. UP A LADDER THAT A SUPERWOMAN. I HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOU FELLOW FEMMe FATAL. I TAKE ALL MY SNAP JUDGMENTS BACK. YOU ROCK!

but we arent done. now the boys arent satisifed and paul and dave want to show me it all. we break in. the door was open to be fair. the door 100 feet up. we are inside. this part of the builing looks well over a hundred years old. it is covered in dust and dirt and there are huge, clunking and whirling industrial machines. Every floor is soo loud. so old. so dirty. old fire escapes and storage rooms. its all cement. all well lit. we go down stairs flight after stair flight. we are lost for a bit. we are on the bottom floor. the modern stuff. there is packaged oatmeal everywhere, mixers and mashers. loud. no cameras. i dont get it lol.we after about 2.5 hours since this began, finally find the way out. cameras! we are in front of cameras. stay close to the wall, slide right down behind the trucks. we are soo close to the fence....we just have to run....


.......security guard. all 5 of us. right in front of his eyes.... we just.... keep walking...he just lets us walk on out.there is another one in the both, we walk righy by!but in case they maybe still called the police. we split up, its 3:30 in the morning dave and i want fries. he gets a poutine. they were closed by they served us. perfect ending.

we meet with everyone, and paul and i talk about the social constructions of sexual relationships and the repressions of such, and about how you dont have to be 'girly' to be a girl. though the girly girl, gets all my repect tonight.This is the most incredible day of my life. this was the most terrifying thing i have ever done and i accomplished it with my best firends at my side.wow.Life is amazing.

Em.