Oh man oh man. Last night my best friend had her heart STOMPED upon by a guy, and now, things are in shambles. I loved real real hard once, and things ended in shambles. i was in pieces. fragments. whether or not it was really love, at the time i was conviced and i lost alot when i lost it. there were people everywhere trying to put me back together, myslef and the person included. it was a good ending, we are still friends. But still for years...i was still tring. i was still hoping in minisucle hopes locked away that someday, maybe someday, if i was kinder, if i was prettier, if i was braver.....

STOP IT!

about a year ago i face planted! Minutes, days, months, for crying out loud years had gone by where all i had spent an infinate amount of time trying to live a life out that would invite this boy along! STOP IT! For so long i had convinced myself that there was something wrong with me, that i wasnt enough for him, that i had to change when really, i had been ignoring all the reasons i was great, all the things that make me beautiful, courageous, strong and bold. RADIANT! I had also been ignoring the fact that in no way was this person the one for me. Great friends, of course. but not for me. and me. not for him.

This summer and year i have been set free. i am sad that i waited. i sat still. i was silent. i never fought for myself. I am so sorry to myself for taht. but i am back. i have learnt lessons. i have fought battles. i have creid an infinate amount of tears. but i am back, stronger and wiser, (yet still nothing, and still with much to learn).

My advice, and constant pet peeve, is that girls cannot bank everything they are on guys. We are all humans, and we have this uncanny ability to hurt one another. Love is a beautiful thing of course, but you can just wait to live life until your wish for love is fulfilled. you need to live now. find out what your dreams are, your goals are, you hopes, and chase after them. Right now you have the amazing ability to TRAVEL LIGHTLY. you, theoretically, only have to worry about yourself. and so you can live your LIFE. TIME IS RUNNING! and you dont want to miss it.

Someday i am thinking i will be married, i will have incredible children and a nice big yard on a dirt road that takes in the sunshine and turns it to magic...but how much better that will all be if it is just another dream added to the many already fulfilled. if i travel africa, go to cuba, go to graduate school, if i see france, work in orphanges, and DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE.

And that is why i give cudos to JoJo. "It's just a little too late, a little too wrong, and i cant wait!! Its just a little too late."

I am woman, hear me roar! I got a life to live. getting off this stupis internet and biking till my knees are soar!

Love you all. Sorry if this post was akward for anyone *cough* the boy* cough* but its all a part of my story, and i am using it to scare and encourage the locals!

I am done playing small...


(although i am fully aware that to be anything else only comes with God's blessing and tender love.)

Em.

Whooey! Its a gosh awful day in Peterborough, its soo grey outside, rain is pouring and its cold cold cold cold cold....
and yet...

there is joy. So much freakin joy its spilling out every place it can! I can barely hide it sometimes when i am riding the bus, and everyone looks so serious and i am crackin the largest smile and giggling at how akward the situation is, but how it shouldnt be akward at all. Or when you are waiting around for a bus, or in the weight room, or in line, and no one talks, and then you start up a conversation with someone about anything, it such an incredible breaking of the current, silent world social order. I LOVE IT!

you see dear friends, reva, cause she is prolly the only one who still reads my ridiculous ramblings, i have come to wonder lately how well i am spending my time. This whole summer and subsequent month of school God has made me content. I cant describe how my heart feels. I know that my life is precious and beautiful and although i struggle with insecreturies about my looks, about my body, about boys, those are the exception thankfully to my new wonderful rules on life. Living with passion. creativity and joy.

I have started writing again, i am embarking on a whole new journey with my music and i have found the peaceful expression i once had in poetry all over again. Oh Lord that you would continue to open these doors and pry open this clenched fists so that i can better love you and those around me. I haev made many new freinds this year as i have been forced to stand on my own two feet socially, and they encourage me so much as i hope i am encouraging them! Hokey smokes, it just started snowing!!!

oh man, anyway, i guess i am writing this to encourage us all to keep living lives of love and to remeber to constantling, daily be renewing your mind and checking how you are participating of this world. Your playing small does nothing! You are goerogous, intelligent, sparkling children of God-lift up others in the midst of this race and help them remeber what it means to play, to sing and to dance.

I love you all very much, and i hope God continues to bless your days from eyes open to close.