Basically,


I want this. I want to live this out. For me and for God. But i dont want it to be loud, i am always loud. one time someone told me that they think i act extroverted to cover up other sides of me...a weaker side...a shy side.

God is teaching me that this is true.


but God is and has for a long time, been very alive in my heart. I have a passion for the hurting, for the suffering, for justice, for Jesus...but often, i feel i am not experience enough. i often think that wiht more practise, then i will be able to speak confidently at bible studies..,

but my faith, for now, is quiet. and thats how i know it is real. It is intimate, it is close, i can hear it in it's whispers....i feel it, sometimes closer then my skin.

I am going to tanzania. I am confident that God will be with me in every step. I am really afraid. but this is one of those things that only God has planned, only god has forseen, and that only He can lead me through.

I love everyone that supports me in my life. Really. So much, its intense.

I am also learning what it is like to be in love with God. and to realize how much He is in love with me.

Always learning.

I may be one of the most pathetic people....



What am i thinking? He is right here. He just left a message on my machine...saying happy valentines day... he was thinking about me.

I got scared so fast, and i have built my whoe perception of love on false illusions for the future. What am i thinking?

He wants to marry me someday, I am not even giving him a chance. I am soo stubborn.

And sadly. its valentines day, at 10:48 and i am listening to boys to men, and my best friend in the world is taking me out of this mood..


Pathetic.



thankfully i have Jesus. I did spend the whole day thinking about his love for me. And that was amazing. but so quickly, i am once again impatient and insecure....


I need sleep. goodnight.

Our responsibilty.


So tonight, i played a song i wrote for some friends, with a lyric "jesus, dont fail them now" in to. This lyric was questioned. I was questioning. Josh and i talked for a long time, me struggling, with why if we believe God blesses us daily, and brings us joy etc. He does not do it for the South. Why He in all his power rise up?

Josh tried to give me his answers but it just wasnt working. I was growing weaker in my own thoughts every second. I have seen this question destroy even the seemingly solid...

I was falling asleep, but knew i should at least pick up my bible first. I couldnt go to sleep with such a heavy mind.

This is what i opened my bible to, this is what i read.

"But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. ALL NATIONS will be gathered in his presence, and he will seperate them as a shepard seperates the sheeps from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left. Then the King will say to those on the right 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inheirt the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For i was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home. I was naked and you gave me clothing. i was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prision, and you visited me.
...." i assure you, when you did it to the least of these, you were doing it to me"


but also, i read that;

"Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, 'Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the Devil and his demons! For i was hungry, and you didnt feed me. I was thirsty, and you didnt give me anything to drink. i was a stragner, ad you didnt invite me into your home. i was naked, and you gave me no clothing. I was sick, and in prison, and you didnt visit me.... i assure you when you refeused (notice REFEUSED) to help the least of these, you were refusing to help me.''

God's love through us. God in them. God in us.
God is working.


but we certainly have to fill our part, human beings have a huge reponsibilty, not only for the pain and suffering in our world, but for listening to God, acting as jesus did, and doing what we can to help where we can.

"and one day Your hope, it will enflame,
and peace it will shine your name,
and the darkness that grew, in the night,
will be bathed in light."

Jesus i believe in your plan, and i know that it is good. Amen