i want to remeber this night....
and so i am typin it on out!

I just stood on a train bridge in a moment of complete and utter tinsy tiny-ness, and as i watch the river run rampant below i realized how little i am, how insignificant, and yet, how great, how huge, how powerful.

We have been given life. a life. ours. (unless you choice to surrender it, in which case it was yours to give away in a sense) but we need to do something with that time.

For me, those somethings i need to be doing are, essentially what i just spent my night doing,

learning
discussing life with a great friend
jumping in puddles
walking home down the middle of the street at 2am in the rain (underrated i tell you)
anaylising the way i am licing my life
trying to live for the better
loving jesus
loving others
life.

it is important for those of us who are reassured of the peace, the joy and the love of our lives in Christ to be constantly encouraing, loving and strengthening others in the midst of this crazy world.

becuase it is broken. becuase it breaks people.

becuase jesus heals, loves, and cares. He lets you weep on his infinate shoulder. he holds your face in his hands. he dries tears.

he laughs with you, he celebrates with you, he smiles through you.

we have something true.

when we share that with others, not only are we reaffirmed (which is always needed in this world ) but we help jesus give LIFE to other people.

so be crazy. keep playing and inviting others to play along.

someones got to! and i cant see myself living anyother way.

Em.

the world we are living in is wrong. its broken. its unjust. its tragic, and some of us know, that we know, that we.....know...that. Years and years are just fleeting by, unnoticed, unanswered...millions of people are dying....unnoticed, unanswered... they are living unbelieveably impossible lives. What do i cry for?

How can i know all i know and yet do nothing. is that not the greatest sin of all? But what? How? Where does anyone ever begin to comprehend the worlds problems?

the world's beauty? the other. them. us. not me. not my family. not friends. not my town, villiage, city, nation, GEOPOLITICAL REGION<<> NOT MINE.....right.....
other human beings....other children of God...other people who have dreams, hope, aspirations, feelings, hatreds, loves, strengths and weaknesses....


What can i do? How do i get the courage to deny this world-this society-these expectations. Where do i get the courage to face the harships, the struggles, how do i look death in the face, and feel brave, and indestructabel....how do i get the point of giving up my life for a belief. for hope. for a change. for a revolution.

and what if no one joins? What if i am alone. What if all i do, no one ever knows about but me......................................................................................................................
unackwnolged (except by those whose hands i have touched, whose eyes i looked into, whose troubles i tried to comprehend in the deepest level of my soul...)

how do i die for my beliefs?

Where do i start?


I want to be a revolutionary.


I dont want to be scared anymore.


How do we start?

considering all things, i am doing wonderfully.

but there are pressures...

always pressures...

to be thinner...

to be "girlier"

to be more "flirty, more frivoulous," etc etc etc etc etc...

I am always thinking, always critically analysising situations around me, how i interact with people, how i do live and i wish to live my life...and so i am becoming increasing complex and spend alot of time with people who will engage in these analytical conversations with me about the way we live our lives.

I want to be like jesus. the way he lived his life is right on to me, but there are pressures...

There are standards of this world that are constanly trying to tell me that i am not enough in someway or another, and on bad days ( now only about once or twice a month-due to better perspectives on things these days) I slip into a self-doubt which is painful, which is heart breaking, which is soul smothering..

I had one of those days saturday night. my pride got hurt, and i doubted how i am, who i am, how i look...

I considered all the ways in which i could be stricter on myself to be "better".

yes, even after my last ranting blog written to myself and other girls like me, i still slipped into an irrational mindset that was really just sad that once again she wasnt enough...

BUT ITS NOT ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!

i am enough. i am more than enough. God is what makes me full. makes this life real and fills it with the brightest colours i have ever seen. He brings me joy and breathes are breath of fresh air through me to others around me, and them to me. My life is not my own. I dont want it to be. I dont want to make descions without the father, i dont want to listen to the enemy or this wretchedly broken (yet utterly beautiful) world.

Jesus has made me complete. He is constantly changing me for the better. I am constantly analysising how i can live more like he did.

that is all i want to be sure i can say i did when i am on my death bed- is that no matter hard it got to live out this faith, and to live out his guildines for life---i tried. i pushed on. i stayed joyful and hopeful, and i loved myself and others like i should have..

Whatever comes with that, whatever Jesus does and doesnt provide. I want that to be okay.

So i will simply push on....



even if i finish last.