betterthanispeak

Time is running! And i gotta move. Wasted minutes, days, and years, no more! These are my thoughts about trying to live a better life. It is one in which my own strenth and beauty bewilders me. Where the ptbo trio rock the sweetest most raddest advetures i have ever been on. One where i am realizing who i am now, and who i will be next. I dont stop searching. Neither should you. So read on, welcome to the crazy life and dreams of Melissa Sharon Russell.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Onwards soldiers, sneaky theives, upwards to the top of the quaker oats factory!

The highest point in all of ptbo.

Today the greek festival sent the campus asoar, with music from the finest friends, dancing before the colissium, beer and sunshine, drums and js. then off to ghana orientations-so much to learn. so much to re-form, re-think, unlearn, connect with and bloom.

More music. David's voice often sounds like a weary wind which whips around you like a clear night-its clear and pure and everyone is always silent.

the show is over. We are hitting the town! seein friends, more music, only choclate chip cookies, beer and more dancing.....can this day get any better? I have been the first girl to dance in a crowd of hundreds today, i have made new friends and even led, its been so long since i have led something...i remeber what it was like to have those goals.

but it did get better.again, i have the most incredible guy friends in the world.

paul-the 'sexy' brain. he is one of those thinkers who will one day blow us all away, he is a great mind, an incredible dancer and so kind.

David-the nomad morning song. So creative. so open. so encourging and tender. such a postive force. and my partner in crime almost everyday! Who could ask for a better someone to do everything from nothing-to...break and enter?

matt. w- the kindred spirt. the craziest dancer in the world. Dan you are a rockin dancer, but you have to see this kid! he is so smart and gets so excited with me about everything. we are both dorky, watch spice world, have magic adventures and follow eachother around. We are going to ghana.

Matt palmer- this boy is restoring so much that is splintered in me, especially my struggles with beauty, body and boys lol. Drove me to lakefield when i was sad. Yells at me when i am hating on myself too much. Splendid.

Calder- the poet. i dont see him as much anymore. we hung out everyday first semsester. He came up with the name em. he throws rocks at my window when he wants to go out and wreak havoc and subvert the adult establishment. he has a beautiful soul and encourages the same in me.

that all being said.this was my night...we drive to the gates at te quaker oats factory, just to see what we are dealing with, get a good sense of how high, where the ladders are etc etc.This building is insanley tall. and there is a bright shining, watertower type thing on the very top. I dont know height estimates but you can see the top of everything in peterborough from there.we go and park the car in the bushes. Luke, a newer friend, brought about the short skirt girls in heels. we are terrified she is going to fall to her death. but she is one of those girls i always tend to think are incabable of doing anything rad like this, anything more then batting eyelashes and giggling. so wrong, turns out.

quaker has an electric fence all around it. and two secutriy guards at both enterences. We had to seek along the fence into a tree filled, branchy area. we had to slide down a steep steep hill to the rivers edge, creep along the river, run back up the hill, and literally hold our bodies to the fences, to keep from falling down the next hill. We are close now. there is a part where the fences lower. by the way, the boys at this adventure are david, paul, luke, and april, the high heeled 'hottie' lol.

So we get to the lower part of the fence, quick hit the dirt. lay down. dont breathe. there is a security guard doing his rounds, appears there is more the two. we wait. silent. if he comes to the fence he will see 5 people huddled in the dirt, trying not to creek.he doesnt come near. he round the corner, now is the time, jump the little fence and run RUN RUN. heeled girl is rocking the running in heels. i'm impressed thats for sure. We look up. the ladder has to be pulled down like one of those fire escapes, at first it wont budge, the guys are gonna lift us. Yeah fuckin right. I hate my body enough sometimes. not confident enough for that. david gets it down. we've got to hurry. this climb is literally STRAIGHT UP, link after link, then a little ledge that leads to more links. high. dont look down. 10 feet, 20, feet 30, 40 ,50, 60 i dont know at least seven or eight of these little balconies. So scared of being caught. so terrified. I have asked to give up a lot of times but paul wont let me quit and david just keeps looking at me and reminding me to trust him.we climb up. we are the roof 8-9 stories up. we can see the top of peterborough from here, but we arent done. no way. and whats that, that doors totally unlocked. I guess so, i mean who climbs like 8o feet up. more straight up ladders. about 3 or 4 more. WE ARE LITERALLY ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD!! lol. serisouly though, its like 2am and i can see ALL of peterborough. i am above it all. the activity. the quiet eveings in front of the tv. the drunk dionysis kids. it smells like oatmeal. i love quaker brown sugar cinninon and i am standing on the very top of where its made. one more step, about a nothing ten foot climb to the peak. dave and paul go. its white with a bright light and 5 people you could definately see from the gound.

HEELED GIRL CLIMBED THE ENTIRE 100 FEET IN HEELS. UP A LADDER THAT A SUPERWOMAN. I HAVE UNDERESTIMATED YOU FELLOW FEMMe FATAL. I TAKE ALL MY SNAP JUDGMENTS BACK. YOU ROCK!

but we arent done. now the boys arent satisifed and paul and dave want to show me it all. we break in. the door was open to be fair. the door 100 feet up. we are inside. this part of the builing looks well over a hundred years old. it is covered in dust and dirt and there are huge, clunking and whirling industrial machines. Every floor is soo loud. so old. so dirty. old fire escapes and storage rooms. its all cement. all well lit. we go down stairs flight after stair flight. we are lost for a bit. we are on the bottom floor. the modern stuff. there is packaged oatmeal everywhere, mixers and mashers. loud. no cameras. i dont get it lol.we after about 2.5 hours since this began, finally find the way out. cameras! we are in front of cameras. stay close to the wall, slide right down behind the trucks. we are soo close to the fence....we just have to run....


.......security guard. all 5 of us. right in front of his eyes.... we just.... keep walking...he just lets us walk on out.there is another one in the both, we walk righy by!but in case they maybe still called the police. we split up, its 3:30 in the morning dave and i want fries. he gets a poutine. they were closed by they served us. perfect ending.

we meet with everyone, and paul and i talk about the social constructions of sexual relationships and the repressions of such, and about how you dont have to be 'girly' to be a girl. though the girly girl, gets all my repect tonight.This is the most incredible day of my life. this was the most terrifying thing i have ever done and i accomplished it with my best firends at my side.wow.Life is amazing.

Em.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

hmmm....

i really appreciate the ear my friend. and the mouth for talking.

good talks are pricless, talks where you are simply being yourself. tonight i found that this occurs best with me when i am tired, stressed..when i have nothing left to offer you then my sleepy, stumbly, whispery-self.

When i have the energy i can mask the insecurities, the akwardness i am feeling. i can sit in certain ways, which i preconcive before each slight of movement. i can look you in the eye with strength and power and determination, to prove to you that i am fine, that all is well and that i am the most interesting person you have ever met.

when i am exhuasted. i am just. just. I am resting in you, the strength of a friend who cares, who adores the weakness of the one before you, who sees the beauty in it.

I think we all have identies which we construct, to be safe in periferial visions and intimidating situations, and even, in hopes to make those around us feel content, to have us figured out and that is all.

i have never believed so much that the only constant i know is change. and i even hate using the word change becuase it seems to imply such a huge revolution of self, of stance, of standing. I am not sure how much i have changed, but rather i think i have grown alot.

I am constantly being challenged to be more and more content with 'the now' this moment, and second. Not lying dormantly in waiting for the future, when things will be better, when i have everything figured out. but also, not dwelling on the past, when things were different, when i was solid or when i was ashamed.

I am soo sad to be leacing ptbo, because many have watched my blooming this year and it has simply been organic, natural, peaceful. but i will be glad to be home to see where these dusty trails have taken my loves, my friends, my companions.

Goodnight dear pals and do your best to live today.


really. however you believe in living it.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Footnote to Howl....

allen ginsberg

Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy!
The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
The nose is holy! the tongue and cock and
hand and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an
angel!
The bum as holy as the seraphim! the madman is
holy as you my soul are holy!
The typewriter is holy the poem is holy the voice is
holy the hearers are holy the ectasy is holy!
Holy Peter holy Allen holy Solomon holy Lucien holy
Kerouac holy Huncke holy Burroughs Holy Cas-
sady holy the unknown buggered and suffering
beggars holy the hideous human angels!
Holy my mother in the insane asylum! Holy the cocks
of the grandfathers of Kansas!
Holy the groaning saxophone! Holy the bop
apocalypse! Holy the jazzband marijuana
hipsters peace & junk & drums!
Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy
the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the
mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!
Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the
middle class! Holy the crazy sheperds of rebell-
ion! Who digs Los Angeles IS Los Angeles.
Holy New York Holy San Fransico Holy Peoria &
Seattle Holy Paris Holy Tangiers Holy Moscow
Holy Istanbul!
Holy time in eternity eternity in time holy the
clocks in space holy the fourth dimension holy
the fifth International holy the angel of Moloch!
Holy the sea holy the desert holy the railroad holy the
locomotive holy the visions holy the hallucina-
tions holy the miracles holy the eyeball holy the
abyss!
Holy forgiveness! mercy! charity! faith! Holy! Ours!
bodies! suffering! magnanimity!
Holy the supernatural extra brillant intelligent
kindness of the soul!

Allen Ginsberd, Berkley 1955

Sunday, March 18, 2007

also, to clarify,

when i said to those of you who dont get it, i cant care. i dont mean that to say, i dont want people to talk with me and dialouge with me, or try to reason with me, any of that. Please, i encourage that. i am wrestling with alot and having people to talk to is great.

i just meant i guess, that this is real to me and i hope that people approach it as that.

Melis

"they all want you to serve them, but the only one you've got to serve is your soul...you've got to serve your soul..."

this is all i got for you, this is all i got.

Melissa

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

my stand on God...hmmm.. too complicated of a question i think. I have seen Jesus at work, so i will never doubt him. I think the way he wants us to live life is the true way to live it. so i will try. I think he was God, so i believe in Him, because i certainly cant lose hope in there being more then this world....

but am i a christian, currently i would say no. This has been brewing for the last year and a half for sure. Its not something no. i dont know if i believe in the religion, the things it says, or at least i know i disagree with more then i agree with.

so for right now, i am staying in prayer with Christ, staying open to his guidence and waiting to see where i am led.

This is to clarify for those who will get it. If you dont get it, i love you, but i cant care. I am leading my own life of faith, whatever that turns out to mean.

I love you all, and appreciate your constant love and support.

maybe we just have to wait it out, we'll see

Melis

Monday, March 12, 2007



i am gonna try to start writing every monday, it will be my own personal journalistic adventure, and for those of you who read it, an expose on all the silly, serious and just plain stupendous, things i do all week haha

So this monday,

i have been speaking to one of the most fantastic girls i know, after reading a particularily intrgiuing article in O magazine (i was at work haha) and apparently, there are only 7 percent of ALL WOMEN IN NORTH AMERICA who have never found something wrong with themselves they want to change, body, attitude, weaknesses. Apparently, when asked, women said it was just natural for every woman to feel inadeqaute, like she is not enough, and to compare herself and compete with others, like in a giant beauty competition. This relates to said girl, becuase she, like i many days, does not believe in her own beauty and strength. I, taking a page from fanon, believe that as young girls, if a girl is told she is beautiful, always, she will grow up confident, proud, possibly vain, but who isnt, but she is still unhappy, for she fears this is all she is.

for the girl who is told she is ugly, not pretty, one of the guys, fat, butch, stupid, etc etc etc, she internalizes this in the same manner as the prettiest girl in the room. Most days, i think i am not pretty. And i am not fishing for compliments, i just want to write to those out there, who understand where i am coming from. I, most days, feel to big, to chubby, to strong, not girly, but cloddy, not feminine, but strong... and there are too many things to count that i want to change.

but what about the good? the great? the outstanding? What about beating down those 5th grade lies we have been believing since the sandbox? They ARE LIES!!!! Beauty is such a concept. Its so interpretive and so subjective. Not to mention, that i have yet to meet a woman who is NOT beautiful in some way or another, even those who by societies standards are ugly, disabled, shunned...

How can we spend most of our lives disliking the body God has given us, the features, the characteristics, what kind of existence is that? Not to mention the vanity, the self-obsession, the critical self hatred, why not think of others, serve others, and simply be yourself. There are many who love you, not only becuase you are beauty, TO THE GIRL I AM WRITING THIS TO, YOU ARE FRICKIN GORGOEOUS, and reva, you are STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL!!! , but those who love you do, because you are worthy of love, and appreciation.

because you are radiant.

Ladies i know this is a challeging thing to try to grasp, taht this world is soo counter all i am saying, and right this very second, is probably attempting to crush your hopeful thoughts, but i suggest we kick and scream at this world, until it bleeds out light, and hope and beauty.

We dont settle in so many ways, why settle your beauty in mediocrity.

be humble and you will shine.


I am going to a party this week with the boys who are the causes of my insecurites, more on that next monday!

this is a show i played at the Red dog! it was a fundrasier and i tried to totally june carter cash it up with the boys!


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